When you lose yourself in something that ultimately leads to a breakthrough, precious time isn’t wasted.
We go through the motions of the confusion, not sure which way to turn. At the same time, we’re begging God to speak – to show us that everything is going to be okay, yet when it takes a while to get a response, we feel abandoned. But don’t give up hope yet: God can explain. He always has an explanation – it just takes time to realize it all.
The first half of this year has been…let’s just say…harrowing. I think my inner demons got the best of me as they sat on my shoulder and spit out every negative attribute I feel I possess. There was no room for positivity to flow because I blocked it out. I was in a place where I was subconsciously hiding to avoid any signals because I thought they were all bullshit; just an illusion I was showing myself in order to get by. So I strayed, and once predators see a wanderer, they feed. Only this time, I was the predator – I just didn’t realize it until now.
After a major reality check, I’ve been putting myself back together one by one. It’s been a lot easier than I thought. Once you remind yourself why you’ve held on so long, everything starts to make sense again. Why I veered too close to the edge? I’ll never know. I guess my patience wore thin and I couldn’t stand the emptiness any longer. I never quite understood when people said, “He wrecks us, then restores us” until now.
When I picture God explaining this whole situation, I imagine it going down like this:
Me: What on earth happened to me for the past 7 months?!
God: I can explain!
God: Well, you see, I had to teach you a lesson. You were doing so good. Your patience was absolutely remarkable! But then, once things got hazy, you strayed. So I let you go.
Me: I knew it was wrong all along. Why didn’t you speak when I asked you to?
God: Because you wouldn’t have let go unless I showed you that it wasn’t for you. You know what is, though. Haven’t I been more clear over the past four years?
Me: Yes. You have. Yet I still manage to doubt you. Mainly because “no, you’re wrong” has been in my vocabulary forever.
God: Don’t fear my word, sweetheart. Trust me. You’re going to love what I have planned.
Me: Don’t tell me! I want to be surprised. Just….could you not drag it out any longer?
God: Fat chance, honey. You’re either in or you’re out.
Me: Okay. I get it. Jeeze.
God: I know you still desire what you were after, and maybe in another scenario it might have worked, but I’ve already designed a plan for you that is going to blow your mind. You’re on the right path. Just breathe and keep walking. Take my hand and I will guide you every step of the way.
So either I should write scripts for religious television programs for children or I’m a total wacko, but these are the things that help some of us get by. We have to remember that God is always working in our favor. What we thought was a setback can turn into a beautiful setup. I’m starting to effortlessly feel that the rest of this year is going to be monumental. At the end of the day, I can honestly say that I needed this. I needed to show myself that I can come back from something like this and gain confidence along the way. Remind yourself that you don’t need to understand any of it. This is probably the hardest thing for me to master. I need facts and sometimes they don’t add up, but that’s only because God is showing me that this puzzle isn’t finished. What is a fact at the moment may not be factual in a week or even a month. In my case, time is on my side.
He always has an explanation and chances are, it’s “so much brighter than you guessed.”
“It’s alright. I’m okay. I think God can explain. I believe I’m the same. I get carried away.”