I Think God Can Explain

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When you lose yourself in something that ultimately leads to a breakthrough, precious time isn’t wasted.

We go through the motions of the confusion, not sure which way to turn. At the same time, we’re begging God to speak – to show us that everything is going to be okay, yet when it takes a while to get a response, we feel abandoned. But don’t give up hope yet: God can explain. He always has an explanation – it just takes time to realize it all.

The first half of this year has been…let’s just say…harrowing. I think my inner demons got the best of me as they sat on my shoulder and spit out every negative attribute I feel I possess. There was no room for positivity to flow because I blocked it out. I was in a place where I was subconsciously hiding to avoid any signals because I thought they were all bullshit; just an illusion I was showing myself in order to get by. So I strayed, and once predators see a wanderer, they feed. Only this time, I was the predator – I just didn’t realize it until now.

After a major reality check, I’ve been putting myself back together one by one. It’s been a lot easier than I thought. Once you remind yourself why you’ve held on so long, everything starts to make sense again. Why I veered too close to the edge? I’ll never know. I guess my patience wore thin and I couldn’t stand the emptiness any longer. I never quite understood when people said, “He wrecks us, then restores us” until now.

When I picture God explaining this whole situation, I imagine it going down like this:

Me: What on earth happened to me for the past 7 months?!

God: I can explain!

Me: Please.

God: Well, you see, I had to teach you a lesson. You were doing so good. Your patience was absolutely remarkable! But then, once things got hazy, you strayed. So I let you go.

Me: I knew it was wrong all along. Why didn’t you speak when I asked you to?

God: Because you wouldn’t have let go unless I showed you that it wasn’t for you. You know what is, though. Haven’t I been more clear over the past four years?

Me: Yes. You have. Yet I still manage to doubt you. Mainly because “no, you’re wrong” has been in my vocabulary forever.

God: Don’t fear my word, sweetheart. Trust me. You’re going to love what I have planned.

Me: Don’t tell me! I want to be surprised. Just….could you not drag it out any longer?

God: Fat chance, honey. You’re either in or you’re out.

Me: Okay. I get it. Jeeze.

God: I know you still desire what you were after, and maybe in another scenario it might have worked, but I’ve already designed a plan for you that is going to blow your mind. You’re on the right path. Just breathe and keep walking. Take my hand and I will guide you every step of the way.

So either I should write scripts for religious television programs for children or I’m a total wacko, but these are the things that help some of us get by. We have to remember that God is always working in our favor. What we thought was a setback can turn into a beautiful setup. I’m starting to effortlessly feel that the rest of this year is going to be monumental. At the end of the day, I can honestly say that I needed this. I needed to show myself that I can come back from something like this and gain confidence along the way. Remind yourself that you don’t need to understand any of it. This is probably the hardest thing for me to master. I need facts and sometimes they don’t add up, but that’s only because God is showing me that this puzzle isn’t finished. What is a fact at the moment may not be factual in a week or even a month. In my case, time is on my side.

He always has an explanation and chances are, it’s “so much brighter than you guessed.”

 

“It’s alright. I’m okay. I think God can explain. I believe I’m the same. I get carried away.”

I Didn’t Go to College. I Regret Nothing.

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Let’s just start off by mentioning the elephant in the room: I didn’t go to college…and I don’t plan on it.

I’ve definitely thought about it and even in high school I had always assumed I’d go, since that’s the usual route most teens take after high school – but naturally, like most things in my life, I took a different route, and guess what? I’m okay with it.

There’s always the stigma of nonconformity anytime we do things out of the norm, but I assure you I am not holding out on higher education because I refuse to conform to social norms. College just simply isn’t for me. I’ve taken multiple affordable (and free) online courses, and I love the online classroom environment of self-paced learning, which I’ll continue to pursue for my own enrichment, but as for spending money I don’t have for something I’m not entirely sure I want seems futile to me. Read more on Medium.

What The Death of Robin Williams Can Teach Us About Life, Legacies and Living Selflessly

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The death of Robin Williams has shocked an entire nation; a nation that is overcome with the wide-spread disease of depression. Stricken with grief, some say it’s so hard to picture Williams as a sad soul, but truth be told, comedy comes from a dark place. For comediennes, and even writers like myself, it’s a way to find relief in the things that plague our minds. After all, laughter really is the best medicine.

Growing up, watching a Robin Williams movie felt comforting. Even to this day, when Mrs. Doubtfire or Aladdin are on TV, there’s no escaping that feel-good energy that a movie of the 90’s brought into our homes. The pains of growing older only make these emotions more apparent as we reminisce on a time when things were much simpler. Little did we know that our loving genie needed three wishes for himself: more time, hope and a shoulder.

Through all of the media coverage on Williams’ death, all I keep thinking about is his wife, Susan Schneider. Loving someone who’s battling depression is a lonely road. I’ve been there myself. We all like to say that if we had others on our side, everything will be fine, but I know firsthand that is not the case. You can have an army of supporters, as Williams did, but depression has no mercy. It shapes them into a stranger and ultimately kills not only it’s victims but their loved ones as well.

For four years, I was in a relationship with a man who found it so hard to be happy. For so long, I thought it was me making him unhappy and no matter what I did, I couldn’t make it better. On our two-month anniversary, he tried to take his own life. Frantic doesn’t even begin to describe my state. Due to long-distance circumstances, I had to call his parents to check up on him before he did anything reckless. Not being able to be there was like torture and I couldn’t wrap my head around what was making him so miserable. I felt helpless. I kept blaming myself, not sure what to do. I tried desperately to save him, but looking back, I realize that he needed to save himself. I’d like to think that call ultimately saved his life. I’m not even entirely sure if he intended on committing suicide that night, but intention does not matter in situations like these. Knowing is the trigger; not doing anything is the bullet. Years after that incident, I felt like there was this huge weight sitting on our relationship, and the problems just kept on piling up. We were doomed from the start, but luckily he’s still alive today.

I’ve been thinking about what’s been going through Schneider’s head these past couple of days. I can’t imagine what losing your best friend must be like, but then again, I don’t know what their relationship was like. There are so many sides to a person battling depression that it makes me wonder if I ever really knew my ex-boyfriend at all. All of this has been weighing heavy on our hearts as we mourn the loss of an icon, but it has also brought up a lot of valuable lessons we can all try to keep as we move forward on this journey.

Williams’ death has taught me to be still; to take better care of myself before I lead myself into oblivion. I battled depression in high school, and like most things I’d like to leave in the past, it occasionally comes back, uninvited. There are definitely still times when I get so overwhelmed that I think about how much better off the world would be without me and vise-versa. I don’t want to get so caught up in it that I find myself in a place I never wanted to reach. By taking better care of ourselves, we’re allowing what we deserve to take flight. Our souls need to be nurtured, not beaten, especially by our own minds. Be your own support system and your own hero.

If the death of loved ones teaches us anything, especially in this case, it’s that we need to wake up and start caring about something. Society makes the art of actually caring look like a fool’s paradise. But I respect fools over cowards. Be selfless. Love someone who probably doesn’t deserve it; they need it the most. Check up on your loved ones. Don’t hide when they’re hurting. There’s a lyric from a Kye Kye song that resonates with me deeply: “They see my heart. They keep away.”

Anytime we wear our heart on our sleeve, we’re always reminded that it can come back to bite us in the ass. I am so sick of that notion! If you don’t care, who will? When I was depressed, I watched every “friend” of mine disappear while they bad-mouthed me to each other. It created a barrier that can never be mended. Don’t let that happen to you. I think it is so rare and beautiful when somebody isn’t afraid to be open and honest with you, despite how long you’ve known each other. If we all opened up to people like that, imagine what our relationships would be like! Of course, there’s always the possibility of getting hurt, but in my experience, that’s how you sort out who’s meant to take up room in your heart.

Even though Williams carried a heavy heart, he sure knew how to create a legacy. The overwhelming amount of love and support has been bittersweet to read as I think about what could have been done to prevent this tragedy – not just for Robin’s sake, but for every soul we lost due to depression. I’ve seen nothing but articles on how to notice signs of depression, suicide hotline numbers, and ways to combat the disease. These are all wonderful, but is it too little too late? They say it takes a tragedy to bring upon an awakening – maybe Williams’ death is a sign that we need to pay more attention to depression and its repercussions. It just hurts that we had to lose a good one in order to figure all of this out.

If you know someone who is hurting or if you knew someone who was, take the time to help them. Apologize. Let them know that they don’t have to fight this world alone. Hearing those words and having someone stand by them is the most priceless gift anyone could ever receive. I wonder if Robin’s wife told him these things and if it would have made a difference. I guess we’ll never know. All we can do now is pay attention. Use this loss as a wake up call to stop hiding from anything uncomfortable and be present for those in need.

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Fearless In 2014: Work With What You Have

142Growing up, and even now, all I heard my mother say was that we didn’t have enough money or resources. Money, like I stated in my last post, is obviously crucial for a lot of things these days, and without it, you’re pretty much left at a standstill. But what about if we erase that standstill and imagine a fork in the road instead? Now, you have two options: to stay still where you are, or to carry on with what you already have. Personally, the latter sounds much more appealing.

I’ve been beating myself down over my lack of money for what seems like forever. It really is the devil in most cases. But every time I hate myself for it, I’m reminded of this quote:

“Everything you need for your destiny is within reach. Pray that God will open your eyes to opportunities, people and resources.”

That first part is 100% true when we think about it. We have everything we need in this moment right now to succeed; but why does it feel like we have nothing? Because society tells us so. I might as well call this blog “Fuck Society!” being that I despise everything that’s pretty much socially acceptable. Think about the people you admire who had nothing but worked with what they had in order to make it. Use those individuals as inspiration to achieve anything you desire. Then, as you work your way up with what you’re already blessed with, God will take care of the rest. It is said that He helps those who help themselves. Don’t be afraid to grab it and run with it!

During all of this pondering, I was reminded that I, too, am already working with what I have. If an opportunity to better yourself and your skills comes along, take it! Ride that wave until you make it! I recently had a band’s publicist tell me how much they appreciate me and it made me feel really good about what I’m doing. It doesn’t matter how little you think you are; quality over quantity wins out every time, despite what people may tell you. I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I’m better off than where I used to be!

Work with what you have. You may be surprised with how much you already possess.

 

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Fearless In 2014

Introducing: Project Fearless In 2014

The Satisfaction of Progress

To Brag or Not To Brag?

Rediscover

Fight Stagnancy

Allow Yourself To Say “No”

Think Again

Set Goals

Let Curiosity Be Your Guide

I Wanna See You Be Brave

Believe There’s Something Worth Fighting For

Listen To Your Gut

Stop. Breathe. These Are Beautiful Times

Shutdown. Reboot.

I Suck at This

#fearlessin2014

5 Weeks Til…?

I’m not sure why it feels like a countdown to my death sentence, but I have 5 weeks until I turn 26.

My first thought is, “how the hell did this happen?” along with “time flies when you’re getting old.”

With every day that passes by, I feel like I am running out of time.

I should have a damn job by now. Right? People should want to hire me. Right? The longer I search the more jaded I become…and I’ve been looking and applying for a while. Right now, stocking shelves and tagging clothing items at Forever 21 sounds pretty appealing, but every time I think of stepping foot in the realm of retail, I get this horrible feeling that once I dip my toes in, I’m never coming back. Most people my age feel this way, which begs the question: is this all we are worth?

I waste so much time worrying about if I’ll ever be happy meanwhile I’m not exactly a basket full of sunshine right now. It’s like the mere thought of knowing you’re going to hate every minute of your future life haunts you until you stupidly miss out on things that have the possibility to make you happy, if not slightly.

I’m just trying to enjoy my life, but there’s always the thought of what I should have looming over my head like a dark cloud. Will I ever find a job that brings fulfillment into my life? Will I ever find a place where I actually feel like I belong?

What have I got to lose? At this point, absolutely nothing.

5 Reasons Why We Make Lists (From a Writer’s Standpoint)

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Growing up, the only purpose of making a list was to jot down what you needed to buy at the grocery store – or of course if you somehow needed to weigh the pros and cons of a challenging situation. Now, in our modern world of technology and so-called ease, everything can be simplified into a list form. Why go through the trouble of reading an entire article when you can check out a list instead? Either everyone is super organized now or just really lazy. Let’s go with the latter.

However, lists do have their positive points, especially if you’re a writer and are in an environment where you need to produce content swiftly in order to keep up with digital demand. So naturally, I’ve put together a list of five reasons why we make lists from a writer’s perspective. Sue me.

1. Lists are a simpler way to organize ideas.

– Sometimes our brains are overworked. We have so many deadlines and e-mails to answer – not to mention the lingering ideas that need to be constructed into a well-written form of work. Lists are like the new outline that we actually get to publish rather than scrap once all of our main points have been established. It may sound disorderly or unprofessional to some, but the times are saying otherwise. Which brings me to my next point.

2. List posts are kind of like rebelling against tradition.

– I did enough rebelling in my teenage years to know when something pisses off authority. That rush of doing something you believe in, despite others opinions never goes away, and by making these lists, however you decide to utilize the opportunity, gives us a way to sort of say, “screw you” to conventionalism. Don’t get me wrong, there are a LOT of ridiculous lists going around out there, but there are some gems too if you know where to look.

3. Simply put, making lists are just fun!

– Not gonna lie, making lists are a blast! If you’re a music nerd, like me, you’ve probably been making lists since you knew how to hold a pen. I remember making lists of my favorite cassette tapes as a kid, and I’m reminded of those times whenever I make up my end of year album lists and it gives me so much joy knowing that I have a platform to share these things. It never stops being fun, and if there’s one thing in life that we all need, it’s pure, good clean fun!

4. Buzzfeed made us do it.

– Okay so I’m not sure if Buzzfeed is the culprit in all of this list madness, but if so, you go Buzzfeed! I only wish that something I write would take off as a pop culture phenomenon, but like most dreamers in this world, I am left with the sound of crickets and high hopes. Buzzfeed is just mindless, feel-good fun. I’d love to work at Buzzfeed! Imagine searching for animated gifs, while adding your sassy attitude into the mix about the perils of your sad love life or how it feels to have your period on a rainy day…all in a day’s work? I’m convinced Buzzfeed’s staff are the luckiest frigging people in the world!

And finally,

DUN DUN DUN….

5. Low attention spans.

– Ahh the crisis of the millennial generation. Everyone wants instant gratification. People apparently don’t have time to read a full article. As a writer, this is frustrating, especially when you’ve poured hours into something and people disregarded it. There was a time when I despised lists (mainly because the only ones I had come across were written by hipsters whose main concerns were finding random people to sleep with at parties and why being a twentysomething sucks trust-fund ass) but now that I’ve experienced the pain of insignificant page views, lists have garnered a whole new meaning for me. There’s nothing like an attention-grabbing headline that makes you want to click and absorb every piece of information given to you. Wait, that’s just me? Okay, cool. Either way, writers want to reach people. We have a lot to say and the lack of feedback is a major downer.

I realize that even with a simpler format of processing information, people still find ways to be lazy. I’m sure most of you only read the bullet points and decided that was enough, but if not, I command you. Writers write with their audience in mind, and I am happy to call you a member of mine.

All lists aren’t total rubbish. Hopefully one day you’ll find one out there that captures your attention and changes your perspective. Maybe today is your lucky day! ;)

And now, in true cheeseball fashion, here is a song that incorporates lists, the art of counting, and our childhood all in one as Brian McKnight counts down all the reasons why a certain woman should be with him. Hmm..maybe Buzzfeed is riding off this song’s fame. :P

A Godwink

It jumped out at me,
a book on a shelf of millions.
I took it home,
happy to get lost inside a world not my own.
But as the storyline grew,
it reminded me of you.
Your name,
though common,
was laced through the pages,
surprising me with every glance.
But little did I know,
the biggest surprise would come at the end.
Your last name,
on a page,
rearranged as your birthday.