You Caught The Light

You changed me.
Slightly.
I was still me but I still felt guilty.

I knew your path wasn’t for me but I still wandered down it anyway.

Feeling way too small,

I couldn’t break into your world.

I was selfish.

Foolish.

Stupid.

You caught the light.

You stole it from someone very special.

I hate myself for letting you have it.

But now that I think about it,

you would have been worth it.

But you’re not worth losing myself over.

Everybody Breaks A Glass

ebsI remember it clearly- me practically on my knees asking God why I felt so lost. I asked Him multiple times, but because I felt so distanced from Him, all I heard was the heartbreaking sound of absolutely nothing.

Deep down, I knew. I knew why I had been feeling so closed off from my usual self. I was tired. I was selfish. Greedy. Arrogant. I was ashamed to admit it. For 6 whole months, I was my own worst enemy, wandering down unknown territory looking for something to fill the void.

“This isn’t me,” I often told myself. So why didn’t I catch myself sooner?

Curiosity. It may have killed the cat, but luckily for me, I only suffered a tiny heart wound.

As I sit here, trying to pick up the pieces of what I have done to myself, I can’t help but go back. The puzzle is 95% done, the other 5% I’m getting warmer to. I went back to the beginning, to the end of January when my usually resilient patience started to wear thin. When the dead of winter creeped it’s way into my bones and made my heart and body feel so empty. It drained all of my hope, faith and magic and left me hollow, afraid and alone. It’s then that I started to wander. I was under the impression that what I had always wanted was so far out of reach. Would I be waiting forever? Is it all hopeless? Am I insane? Yes. It felt that way, and I’d be lying if I said it still doesn’t, but now I understand the true meaning of faith and I intend on holding on for dear life.

When I think of the way I acted and how I almost settled for things I do not deserve, I can’t help but hate myself for giving in to the desires of being a lonely human. There were days when I felt like I would die from it all – the confusion, the bitter cold and the loneliness. I’d listen to certain songs and they didn’t feel the same as they previously had. Everything was hazy. I lost myself.

I never thought I’d ever get to the bottom of this. I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel normal again. I was sick and tired of asking Him, “what is going on?!” Finally, God gave me the breakthrough I needed in the form of temporary heartbreak. I never understood the saying, “He wrecks us, then restores us.” I often thought, “well, that’s just terrible.” But now I get it. I totally get it, and I am so thankful to have come out of this alive and with the inspiration to find out more; to better myself all while learning valuable lessons I’ll carry with me forever.

I’m not 100% yet, and I’ll admit, it still stings, but timing is everything. Always has and always will be. I may have broken a few glasses this year, but that’s okay. It’s a life requirement we all fulfill from time to time without keeping track.

He delivers. Always. Stay strong.

 

“We all go off the track and feel for our way back. Everybody breaks a glass.”

Let It Go. Let It Die.

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I took a walk over to East River Park today to clear my head. Had Kye Kye in my ears and the (hot ass) sun beating down on my face. It sounds better than it was. I don’t deal with heat very well. All in all though, it was relaxing to hear “Dreams (2am)” and all of my favorites with a view I often take for granted.

I’ve been craving peace for a long time. It’s hard to find it in a city like this, but God is everywhere. For a while there, I lost Him. His voice got hidden away with all of the noise in my head. He kept telling me I was veering too far from shore, but He watched me as I wandered, letting me go. Then, I guess He got tired of my bullshit so he created a massive storm to wake me up and bring me back to safety.

“Guard it most, dark distractions. Driven by a mood that takes over when you lose yourself.”

I think Small Black’s “Proper Spirit” displays all of this perfectly.

“You haven’t shown the proper spirit.”

I really haven’t. But I need to stop beating myself up over a 6-month slip-up that got the best of me all because of my impatience.

“Let it go. Let it go. Let it die.”

It wasn’t meant for you, but it’s okay. Concentrate on what really matters.

I’ve been saying that I need to find my old self again, but I’m starting to realize that she’s long gone. A new and improved me is on the horizon. I just need more time to find her. She’ll still be me, but better.

Look what you’re missing out on.

 

VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION!

Okay so maybe it’s not THAT important but…okay here’s the deal:

I’ve been thinking a lot about this blog and what it means to me and ultimately YOU, the reader. I know I say this a lot (mainly because I can’t believe it myself) but I am so humbled by how many people read this thing. It’s kind of weird in a way. I always imagine my random thoughts to be silly; like if people actually read this stuff, they’d think I was either insane or pathetic – maybe both. But apparently, there are people out there like me and you seem to appreciate every side of me there is, so THANK YOU!

Now I’m rambling.

Sooo here’s the big question: if I were to make a Facebook page for my blog/writing would any of you be interested in actually ‘liking’ it? Not only would you be getting updates from this blog, but I’d also be sharing some of my work from Buzznet and A Thousand Guitars along with other things I find interesting. So basically you’ll be immersed in all things music and feelings, which if you ask me sounds like a pretty sweet deal! :P

Comments are appreciated! Sound off below! :P

Glass-Clear Thoughts For The Shortest Slight Moments

This is so hard to explain, but I’m going to try to feel it out the best I can.

For the past 6 months, I have completely lost myself. Unexpectedly. But then again, who really expects these things? I’m not sure how it happened. I just fell into it. Maybe it was a test. From my standpoint, I think I failed.

There are certain things that come into your life and they just feel right, while others may give you that happy feeling for a little while but deep down, you know something is off, despite how much you try to ignore it. I am no stranger to this, and I swore I’d never weigh myself down with something like that ever again, but my blind optimism always seems to shock me. I got so deep into this illusion that when it came crashing down, I surprised myself again with a flow of tears because it had finally hit me how far off track I had gotten. I was feeling amazing for a long time, then once I wandered off track for a little while, I crashed. Hard. But now I see it. I went too far in the wrong direction, and boy am I realizing how bad I had gotten.

I had been filled with so much hope before this. I felt inspired, healthy, and open to the beauty that God had been showing me. Then, once I veered off into the wrong lane, I felt conflicted. Scared. Confused. I felt like the magic I had once felt was gone and I tricked myself into believing that it was never coming back. I’m not sure if it will, but I’m hoping with time and healing, I’ll be renewed. I’ve also experienced a wave of unexpected gnawing loneliness. This was another shock to the system because I’ve always valued my solitude. There were nights (and I’m sure it’ll continue, especially tonight) where I’d lie awake for hours, sobbing, wondering how I got to this point in my life where the absence of love got it’s claws into me and found a way to pathetically eat away at my insides. I often said to myself, “Tina, what’s WRONG with you? You’ve always been strong!” But I guess I can only take so much and I’ve already hit my breaking point.

When depression hits, it comes in full force. I can’t believe I was so blind to my intuition. I’ve been eating a lot more – bad things. I’m just now seeing that I tried to use things that are bad for me to fill the void of everything wrong in my life. I feel so stupid. I’m not happy anymore and the things that used to bring me joy have felt mediocre. My weight has been fluctuating and I’ve been hating what I see when I look in the mirror. What confuses me the most out of all of this is that the main cause isn’t something that would usually cause such behavior. I guess it’s just telling me that it’s not for me and that I got too caught up in a fantasy that will never be mine.

I want to be able to walk into church again and not feel like I have betrayed myself. For the past 6 months, I’d sit there in silence, conflicted, not sure what to pray for or if I’m just delusional for thinking I can have a happy life. I used to sit in there feeling accomplished, hopeful; and I used to walk out of there feeling like a million bucks, ready to take on another day. Now, like today, I sit in there and feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. I guess God needed to numb my mind so I don’t spontaneously combust in public. I don’t know how He puts up with me, but I owe Him one. While I’ll admit, it was nice to be able to shut my mind off for a few minutes, but there’s no substitute for raw emotions. I used to be able to pinpoint everything but lately I guess I’ve been so afraid of admitting these things that I kept shoving it away as it grew bigger and ate at me.

Today I prayed for help in letting go of my fear. As much as I hate to admit it, fear runs my life. Fear needs to fuck off. It tells me I’m not good enough and it paralyzes me. Fear is the devil.

I’ve completely ignored my true self. I am even shaking as I write this. How did this happen? It’s like telling a child not to cross into dangerous territory yet the child has that voice inside their head saying “…but what if? Just try it!” Meanwhile, the child knows deep down that it’s wrong and that they’ll get hurt. When did I become this person? Will I ever find my way back?

I don’t know where Tina went, but I intend on getting her back. Maybe this is the breakthrough I’ve been silently screaming on my knees for. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.

I just need to get through tonight first.

Honey vs. Vinegar

As we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, kindness often feels like a foreign concept, especially if you’ve been kicked around a time or two. Living in New York for the past 19 years has shown me just how horrible humanity can be, yet I’d be lying if I said that New Yorkers are all the same. I get it – you’re having a bad day (don’t I know it) and everyone annoys you, so without thinking, you lash out at an innocent bystander. The cycle never ends.

For someone who always feels like I’m being unnecessarily pushed around, I’d also be lying if I said it doesn’t bother me. Whenever I’m approached with kindness, which is rare, I automatically assume the other person has ulterior motives or I either look at them like they’re Jesus. I realize there will never be peace anywhere, especially in such a big city as New York, but it would be nice to erase that stereotype that New Yorkers are rude and surprise a few travelers.

So here’s the big question. They say it’s easier to catch flies with honey rather than vinegar, but what happens if you’ve reached your breaking point and your honey has expired? All that’s thrown at you is the sourness of vinegar and as the smell gets harsher, your kindness slowly washes away from you. How do you restore it?

Evading Truth

I read something today that broke my heart:

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Maybe it’s the answer I’ve been searching for all along. “Why me?” I would ask. Why would this happen to me? Because I needed it. Desperately.

You are not supposed to fall in love with said person.

But I did.

I’m still not sure what any of this means, but I’m still praying for a miracle. Maybe it’s self-destructive, but he changed my life.

Now I want to change his.

 

*Poem taken from Love & Misadventure by Lang Leav.

 

“I need a miracle to bring me back to you,

I know you’re gone now, but I’ll still wait for you.”