YOU GUYS! I Have a Facebook Page!

Hey everyone!

So I’ve been toying around with this idea for a while now, but I finally made a Facebook page dedicated to my writing! I’m hoping this leads to great things. There you’ll find an array of content not only from my work here on WordPress, but from the other sites I contribute to like Buzznet & A Thousand Guitars.

Thank you for reading what I have to say and being nerds with me. I <3 every one of you. Please give it a ‘like’ below and join me on this crazy journey! :P

JOIN THE FUN HERE!!!

- Tina

Wanted Dead or Alive…For a Dinner Party, Of Course!

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There are so many people in this world who have either left such a remarkable legacy behind or are in the process of doing so. Whether they’re famous or just special people in your life, it doesn’t diminish their influence. We can all benefit from another’s story and it’s important to take their lessons to heart.

Think about the people who have helped you become who you are today, dead or alive. Now, imagine you have the opportunity to put together a friendly gathering with all of these people. What would that dinner entail? Let the hilarity ensue!

1. My grandparents – I miss my grandmother terribly, and I never got to meet my grandfather so we have a lot to catch up on; although, I’m sure they know everything that’s been going on lately with me. I hope they’re proud. I’d love to know everything they know now. What’s Heaven like? Is there cake there? With my grandmother there, I’m pretty sure there is! :P

2. God – Okay so obviously this one’s a longshot, but why not, right? I’m sure He’d give me side-eye glances throughout the night telling me to calm down and not to worry so much. “Relax, woman! I got this!” Then, He’d probably tell me about how He turns beet red whenever my grandparents are around. :D

3. Carson Daly – You might be asking, “how does one go from God to Carson Daly?” and my answer is simple: DUH! Sure I may have had a crush on the TV host since I was 13, but Mr. Daly is so much more than that. His fierce work ethic is admirable (I’m convinced he never sleeps) and every job he takes is always centered on music. Like me, he’s a music nerd. I’ve learned so much from him – dignity, respect, how to craft the perfect interview question, and most of all, to not give up on anything that brings me joy. I’d love to ask him so many things – to switch it up a bit and let me do the interviewing. Then of course, I’d let him give me some pointers. Also, if he could bring over some of his fiancé’s cooking, I wouldn’t complain. Food porn.

4. Shirley Manson – This woman saved me. You can call it what you want, but I truly believe that. Garbage’s music came to me at the most perfect time and I will be forever grateful for that. Shirley taught me how to be strong and how to stick up for myself at a time when being weak was all I’ve ever known. To this day, I still say I get my sassy side from her. I’d kill to just sit around and talk about life and everything under the sun with her, especially how we both feel like we never belong anywhere. We’ll probably be the loudest laughers at the table, but who cares?

5. Tyler Glenn – This is turning out to be one eccentric dinner party. I’ve always related to Tyler Glenn of Neon Trees. He’s not afraid to tell the world that he’s different and he doesn’t care who mocks him for it. In fact, he has the courage to mock them right back…for all being the same. He knows what it’s like to have music be your only friend and I’d love to get inside his head and geek out over how not alone we both are. Plus, Shirley knows him so it’ll be one giant freak bonding fest! :P

6. Jimmy Fallon – Why the hell not? He’s adorable, funny, witty, and did I mention adorable? I’d probably make him talk in his Jerry Seinfeld voice for the whole night though. :D

7. Person who shall not be named – Okay so let’s just call him my future love. I’d love to ask him WTF took him so long, but we both know the answer to that. God will be staring at us, no doubt, with a big smile on His face. I’ll probably fill up a wine glass with tears and then I’ll ruin the party. But that’s just me and my silly heart. My grandparents will love him. My grandmother will be pinching his cheeks. My grandfather won’t have to warn him not to destroy me. He knew this was coming. He planned it. They are the same man, just a different generation. God will then say, “See! I told you I was taking care of it! Jeeze!”

Dreaming In Color

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Four years ago tonight, I had no idea that my life was about to change by morning.

I had no idea that what I already knew was about to turn into what I had known – a fine line dividing my life into then and the new now.

On the morning of July 29, 2010, God woke me up. He said, “Follow this. Follow me.”

And so I did.

I was transforming into the person I wanted to be, and to this day, I still feel it.

The rational part of me thinks I never woke up that morning; that I’m only witnessing my life from behind closed eyelids. Maybe it was all an illusion.

But this is real.

The pain. The waiting. My patience wearing thin. The signs. The nights when I feel like I don’t have it in me to hold on any longer.

It’s all real and it is happening at lightening speed. Picking me up then throwing me back into rough waters.

I’ve questioned it more than I should, which ultimately leads to me not only questioning my faith, but questioning God himself.

I’m realizing that it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but myself. This is mine. Focus right. Dirty lies only use up time.

Why He’s choosing to drag it out so long is beyond me, but I guess there’s a lot I haven’t learned yet.

I’m a work in progress.

I’ll never understand this.

But maybe, just maybe, He’s going to lead me to the big finish soon, which, ultimately to me, is only the beginning.

It’s a new chapter. It may be a little scary, but that fear is how you know it’s working.

God is working. I can’t wait to see what He’s doing up there.

“Push with a heart, with a weight, with a mind that knows the one narrow road”

On The Outskirts

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She says she’s in love and I wonder what that must feel like.

To be loved by a man who isn’t trying to mold me into something I’ll never be.

I wonder just how wonderful your love is.

What’s it like to have somebody you admire actually like you back?

What’s it like to never feel second best?

“You’re not perfect, but you’ll do.”

Those words will haunt me for the rest of my life.

What’s it like to really be in love?

What’s it like to have his hand to hold?

I guess I’ll never know.

———————————————————-

She says she’s beside herself with all the support pouring in.

Hands to hold, she never has to walk alone.

Making memories I’ll only witness out of a photograph.

A movie.

A storybook.

A daydream.

A friendship so secure, she’ll never have to question who cares.

A shoulder to cry on, an ear who understands; who listens.

They don’t leave her feeling alienated.

What’s it like to be understood?

To relate?

To not be judged?

Nights are lonely, days are worse,

and the weight gets hard to carry when the only hand you have is your own.

Alone.

What’s it like to not be alone?

I guess I’ll never know.

You Caught The Light

You changed me.
Slightly.
I was still me but I still felt guilty.

I knew your path wasn’t for me but I still wandered down it anyway.

Feeling way too small,

I couldn’t break into your world.

I was selfish.

Foolish.

Stupid.

You caught the light.

You stole it from someone very special.

I hate myself for letting you have it.

But now that I think about it,

you would have been worth it.

But you’re not worth losing myself over.

Everybody Breaks A Glass

ebsI remember it clearly- me practically on my knees asking God why I felt so lost. I asked Him multiple times, but because I felt so distanced from Him, all I heard was the heartbreaking sound of absolutely nothing.

Deep down, I knew. I knew why I had been feeling so closed off from my usual self. I was tired. I was selfish. Greedy. Arrogant. I was ashamed to admit it. For 6 whole months, I was my own worst enemy, wandering down unknown territory looking for something to fill the void.

“This isn’t me,” I often told myself. So why didn’t I catch myself sooner?

Curiosity. It may have killed the cat, but luckily for me, I only suffered a tiny heart wound.

As I sit here, trying to pick up the pieces of what I have done to myself, I can’t help but go back. The puzzle is 95% done, the other 5% I’m getting warmer to. I went back to the beginning, to the end of January when my usually resilient patience started to wear thin. When the dead of winter creeped it’s way into my bones and made my heart and body feel so empty. It drained all of my hope, faith and magic and left me hollow, afraid and alone. It’s then that I started to wander. I was under the impression that what I had always wanted was so far out of reach. Would I be waiting forever? Is it all hopeless? Am I insane? Yes. It felt that way, and I’d be lying if I said it still doesn’t, but now I understand the true meaning of faith and I intend on holding on for dear life.

When I think of the way I acted and how I almost settled for things I do not deserve, I can’t help but hate myself for giving in to the desires of being a lonely human. There were days when I felt like I would die from it all – the confusion, the bitter cold and the loneliness. I’d listen to certain songs and they didn’t feel the same as they previously had. Everything was hazy. I lost myself.

I never thought I’d ever get to the bottom of this. I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel normal again. I was sick and tired of asking Him, “what is going on?!” Finally, God gave me the breakthrough I needed in the form of temporary heartbreak. I never understood the saying, “He wrecks us, then restores us.” I often thought, “well, that’s just terrible.” But now I get it. I totally get it, and I am so thankful to have come out of this alive and with the inspiration to find out more; to better myself all while learning valuable lessons I’ll carry with me forever.

I’m not 100% yet, and I’ll admit, it still stings, but timing is everything. Always has and always will be. I may have broken a few glasses this year, but that’s okay. It’s a life requirement we all fulfill from time to time without keeping track.

He delivers. Always. Stay strong.

 

“We all go off the track and feel for our way back. Everybody breaks a glass.”

Let It Go. Let It Die.

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I took a walk over to East River Park today to clear my head. Had Kye Kye in my ears and the (hot ass) sun beating down on my face. It sounds better than it was. I don’t deal with heat very well. All in all though, it was relaxing to hear “Dreams (2am)” and all of my favorites with a view I often take for granted.

I’ve been craving peace for a long time. It’s hard to find it in a city like this, but God is everywhere. For a while there, I lost Him. His voice got hidden away with all of the noise in my head. He kept telling me I was veering too far from shore, but He watched me as I wandered, letting me go. Then, I guess He got tired of my bullshit so he created a massive storm to wake me up and bring me back to safety.

“Guard it most, dark distractions. Driven by a mood that takes over when you lose yourself.”

I think Small Black’s “Proper Spirit” displays all of this perfectly.

“You haven’t shown the proper spirit.”

I really haven’t. But I need to stop beating myself up over a 6-month slip-up that got the best of me all because of my impatience.

“Let it go. Let it go. Let it die.”

It wasn’t meant for you, but it’s okay. Concentrate on what really matters.

I’ve been saying that I need to find my old self again, but I’m starting to realize that she’s long gone. A new and improved me is on the horizon. I just need more time to find her. She’ll still be me, but better.

Look what you’re missing out on.