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Dead Ends

Starting over always starts out on a dead end street.

As you stare at the sign that tells you to turn back, one cannot help but wonder why we can’t just keep on going – beyond the signs and roadblocks – through the trees and on through to the other side.

Going back seems fatal at a time like this.

What if I don’t want to turn back? I don’t want to be reminded of all I have lost but didn’t really have. I don’t want to be shown lies anymore.

I want to rediscover God. I want to believe again.

I want to know that such cruelty didn’t come from Him. I want to learn how to decipher His voice from my own. I want the wisdom to know the difference.

I want to know that everything I went through wasn’t all in vain; that there was a higher purpose and it will be shown to me in due time.

I want need to be able to trust myself again.


“Hungry for a meaning, this all seems unclear
I’ve come to the conclusion we’re all clueless here
The more I try and simplify, I realize it passes by
I find myself enamored with an explanation that doesn’t exist”

Follow Your Chaos

It feels like an eternity since my last post but I’m sure it’s because my entire world was flipped upside down one week ago today.

If you’ve been a follower of this blog since the beginning, you’re probably familiar with my cryptic poetry and posts on following your heart and all that gooey inspirational bullshit – not that any of that is going to change, because underneath this rotten mess I need to dig out, there’s still a little bit left of that hopeless romantic somewhere buried deep – but there are going to be some changes and it is going to be dark for a while until I can sort it all out.

One of those changes is a new regular segment I’ve had brewing for a while, Follow Your Chaos. If there was ever a time to start this, it is now.

There’s more on what I’ve been through coming soon from a site I am a new contributor to so I don’t really want to go into details (not that anyone cares) but there’s so much swirling around in my head and it needs to come out.

As most of you may know, I was holding onto something…maybe a bit too tightly.

It is now gone.

Everything I ever feared has come to life.

Now I don’t know where to turn and what to believe.

It is absolutely fucking pitiful how the only time I actually felt 100% happy, it was all an illusion. It is disgusting how I don’t believe I could ever feel that way again, and if I do, I’ll always be questioning it. Because it certainly can’t be real.

It is saddening how I don’t know where to go from here or how I will ever recover. Maybe I am just afraid of who I really am underneath it all; who I am not with a world of magic to keep me stable; who I will be if I continue to let it fester.

Who the hell am I without this?

There is a freedom bubbling up in my chest, just waiting to burst out and show me.

But I’m just not ready yet.


“And I can’t stop even if I wanted to
Up top, maybe I’m simply deluded
That’s right, maybe I’ve been wasting my time
And it’s hard to justify what You can do
I’m so sick and tired of falling through and,
It’s true, maybe I’ve been wasting my time.”

The Two Rules of Success Are…

Psh! You’re kidding me right?

OK so I’m sure you’ve heard that dreadful Roger H. Lincoln quote about not revealing everything you know, right? Well, I think it’s total bullshit so naturally, I wrote about it.

You can read it HERE on LinkedIn. Give it a thumbsupski if you agree! ♥ :P

Back To The Future

This past weekend, I found my grandparents’ wedding album from the 1940’s. I had never seen these photos before so stumbling upon them was quite the pleasure, as is anything relating to them. As I was looking through it, I came across this picture:

CaptureI’ve dreamed of this. I’ve dreamed of this exact picture, only from the bride’s side, inside that same exact car with the person who’s inspired most of my work; the one I love and pray for every day.

Though they are in heaven now, I pass by my grandparents’ old apartment in Brooklyn frequently and sometimes a car just like this one is parked in front. I had no idea this was their getaway car.

People tell me I look like my grandmother. Sometimes when I look at him, I see my young grandfather, skinny as can be; and me…curvy ol’ me, a spitting image of my grandmother; the two of us so clearly meant to be, waiting on God’s timing.

Needless to say, I pretty much lost it the second my eyes saw this photo. Hope came rushing back to me after hiding out for a bit.

God works in mysterious ways. I’m just praying that He leads us toward each other…so we can take our own version of this picture someday.


Capture

War

I put a picture of Jesus under my bed.
It says, “Jesus, I trust in You.”
I thought it would help the nightmares go away,
but they still linger.

Five years ago, I woke up from a dream.
My entire world was changed and He asked me to walk with Him.
He’s shown me the colors of His world; what glory feels like.
He told me to trust Him; to keep holding on, even as the rope thins.

Five years later, here I kneel; standing makes me feel weak.
I feel as if I spend the majority of my life on my knees; bruised and callous, they remind me of the new battles I face.
One after the other; the other worse than before.
It almost makes me wonder, “What am I trusting You for?”

I put a dream-catcher near my bed.
I have this theory that it keeps throwing the bad ones back at me.
But I wonder if it would have caught the first one,
would I be in this predicament today?

I put a picture of Jesus under my bed.
It says, “Jesus, I trust in You.”
He told me to get up and keep walking; that He equipped me to handle the storms.
I thought He was trying to wreck me; turns out, He was showing me how to trust.

Mastering this is an art; learning this is a fight.
When giving up feels ridiculous, I push on with all my might.
‘Cause if five years taught me anything, it is this.
I may always lose the battles, but I intend on winning the war.


“There’s too few ways to understand
So tell me please how one can sleep
When there’s too much to say.”