I Think I’m Paranoid

We all have at least one quirk about ourselves that we wish we could get rid of.  For me, it’s my fear of always being wrong.  Even when doing small, simple tasks, I’m plagued with the fear that I’m doing it wrong, even when I know I’m doing it right.  Maybe it stems from when I was a kid and my mother would yell at me for various things and told me that I was doing them wrong.  I don’t want to blame my parents for anything, as that is a total hipster snob thing to do, but I’m wondering if that was the cause or it’s just that I’m a lunatic.  Right now, I’ll go with the latter.

As a writer, having the fear of being wrong all the time can block out all of my creativity.  Sometimes I just have to sit back and tell myself that what I’m saying isn’t wrong (especially if it’s an opinion piece) and go on and write it.  In writing, there is no right or wrong, unless you’re writing a piece that has to do with facts and whatnot.  I can deal with criticism, but once someone tells me I wrote something “the wrong way” I automatically think I’m a horrible person and going straight to hell.  Yeah, I need help. :/

If I am wrong about something, I like to learn from my mistakes.  I’m currently in the process of finding a job and it’s been rather tedious.  I’m tired of using the same method everyone else uses.  I’m looking for a new way to stand out.  I have a few ideas in mind but I feel like this ridiculous fear of mine is holding me back sometimes; like I’ll say or do the wrong thing and they’ll just roll their eyes and move on to the next person.  As a matter of fact, I swear they do that already.  I start to think of all of the responses I’d get, and they’re not very nice ones.  I’m from New York…I don’t see “nice” too often.  I think of them saying “this is not the correct format for a resume,” “I’m sorry but you didn’t apply for this job correctly,” or “stop trying to show off.”  All of those sound ridiculous written down, come to think of it, but my brain is 50% irrational and 50% delusional sometimes.

“I think I’m paranoid, and complicated.”  Truer words have never been written.  Thank you (again), Shirley Manson.


One thought on “I Think I’m Paranoid

  1. This is probably the reason why you’re a gifted writer and a creative person. You’re constantly thinking. But I want you to know that never let anyone take that awesome-ness out of you. Searching for your dream job can be a challenging process but once you get it, you’ll know it’s worth the effort.
    This world sometimes cannot deal with people who think out of the box or taking the alternative route in living their lives. I landed myself a job and my parents and relatives had a hard time trying to comprehend my mindset – why I prefer working in non-profit organisations when I could have opted for a position in the corporate world which would pay me almost a thousand bucks higher.
    Don’t feel bad for having an opinion. For me, I apologise if the way I said it offended another person but I don’t feel sorry for having an opinion and feeling the way I do.


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