It’s that simple. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. People ask me what I do. I tell them I’m a writer but what I really want to say is that I am me. A person. While writing is such a big part of my life, I don’t necessarily need it to define me. Because I’m not fully established yet, I feel like an idiot even mentioning it. Once they hear that I’m a writer, they ask me what college I went to and yadda yadda. The looks on their faces when I tell them that I took a few classes at home turns to complete pity. I can’t afford college. I do the best I can with what I have. I’m honestly okay with that. Why is this such a problem to everybody else?
I’ve been job hunting for what seems like forever. This week, I told myself that I’d take a break and would not look or even think about it. It’s taking a huge toll on my health and I’m sick of hating myself.
I just want to spend a week being me. I’m forgetting all of my positive qualities because of this. As much as I hate to admit it, all this rejection is breaking me. I just want to write and be happy. Is that really so much to ask? To want a calm life? To be content? Why does that make people roll their eyes? Am I stupid and naive or does no one believe in true happiness and well-being? Funny thing is, I’m actually kind of happy with where I am right now; just starting out, blogging, etc. It’s a good start for me but it’s never good enough for anyone else. Why am I listening to these people? Should I? Should I get up off my ass and hold up a sign that says “WILL WRITE FOR CASH” on a sign outside various parts of the city because I’m so desperate? I’ve run out of ideas and I just honestly don’t know what the hell I should be doing anymore.
Of course my mind has to over-think everything. Once I decide I’m going to stay calm this week, I start to feel like a loser again. Being human kind of sucks sometimes. Why couldn’t I have been a cat? There’s this one song by Passion Pit called “The Reeling” that explains it perfectly. Again, music comes into play (pun intended) during the times when I’m in need.
“Is this the way my life has got to be?
Have I a single opportunity?”