I Just Don’t Know! OK?!

2It’s that simple.  I don’t know.  I don’t know anything anymore.  People ask me what I do.  I tell them I’m a writer but what I really want to say is that I am me.  A person.  While writing is such a big part of my life, I don’t necessarily need it to define me.  Because I’m not fully established yet, I feel like an idiot even mentioning it.  Once they hear that I’m a writer, they ask me what college I went to and yadda yadda.  The looks on their faces when I tell them that I took a few classes at home turns to complete pity.  I can’t afford college.  I do the best I can with what I have.  I’m honestly okay with that.  Why is this such a problem to everybody else?

I’ve been job hunting for what seems like forever.  This week, I told myself that I’d take a break and would not look or even think about it.  It’s taking a huge toll on my health and I’m sick of hating myself.

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I just want to spend a week being me.  I’m forgetting all of my positive qualities because of this.  As much as I hate to admit it, all this rejection is breaking me.  I just want to write and be happy.  Is that really so much to ask?  To want a calm life?  To be content?  Why does that make people roll their eyes?  Am I stupid and naive or does no one believe in true happiness and well-being?  Funny thing is, I’m actually kind of happy with where I am right now; just starting out, blogging, etc.  It’s a good start for me but it’s never good enough for anyone else.  Why am I listening to these people?  Should I?  Should I get up off my ass and hold up a sign that says “WILL WRITE FOR CASH” on a sign outside various parts of the city because I’m so desperate?  I’ve run out of ideas and I just honestly don’t know what the hell I should be doing anymore.

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Of course my mind has to over-think everything.  Once I decide I’m going to stay calm this week, I start to feel like a loser again.  Being human kind of sucks sometimes.  Why couldn’t I have been a cat?  There’s this one song by Passion Pit called “The Reeling” that explains it perfectly.  Again, music comes into play (pun intended) during the times when I’m in need.

“Is this the way my life has got to be?
Have I a single opportunity?”

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6 thoughts on “I Just Don’t Know! OK?!

  1. I suppose that most people in life are used to their typical habits and victimhood modus, tending to take life far too seriously. That is why when somebody does something that is not in the “typical mould” of society, the majority tend to have a problem with it. Kind regards from Mr Midnight, Sir Winston and myself. 🙂

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  2. I feel for you. I believe in well-being:D It’s the reason why I took up Psychology for college. I think that in order to keep myself from crumbling upon pressure, it’s best to take care of my well-being first. With this foundation I’ll be able to keep going.
    I don’t think it’s too much to ask for– to write and to be happy & content with it. I’d like to live a life that way too. I think that people are just too into mainstream careers and getting into college nowadays.
    Oh, and I like how you say you just want to be you, and not being entirely identified with your job/career/what you’re doing. I think it’s a strength. Cos if one day you lose your job you’d lose your identity, but by being yourself, you can never lose your identity, if that makes any sense to you.

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  3. What a lovely blog, and lovely piece….i stumbled across it because I was looking for an image and this popped up….i find it so strange to think that a complete stranger, on probably the complete other side of the world, is going through the same thing as someone else….we are far more connected than we think, and you are not alone – everything will be ok, and then it will be awesome. LOTS OF LOVE COMING YOUR WAY!!!

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  4. I understand! I prayed for a simple life. Then realized I had to pray to have peace and joy within this simple life. It is amazing to get rid of the clutter in ones llife, snd build slowly on a new grounded foundation on which to build iit as God sees fit for my life. I truly believe this even though it is full of trials along hthe way. This happens because God wants us to depend on him all the time, uespeciall during the times in life when we lost all control.
    God bless

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