Every September brings new beginnings. Everything seems to be changing so fast these past couple of days and it’s making me uneasy. Some changes I did not expect at all while others I kind of saw coming. My heart is telling me that these changes are good and will benefit me in the end, but I still feel scared. Maybe that’s normal? All I know is that something needed to change and this could be the drastic one I was hoping for. It’s still going to take some more time to reach that final moment, but I’m ready as I’ll ever be.
My birthday is this week and I am turning the big 25. Is it weird that I’m terrified? It seems like I’ve been searching for work forever and I just keep going nowhere. It feels like I’m at a standstill with a ticking time bomb attached to my chest and if I don’t find something soon, I am going to explode with my self-confidence running down the drain. I know I need to try something different, but I have no clue where or how to start.
Sometimes I just want to run away. Take a road trip all by myself and just see the world. How do people do that? Just pick up and go without any money? It feels like you need money to do anything anymore. This city is too crowded, lacking the one person I want around and I am drowning in it’s cruelty. I just want a long break from the job searching and my bad thoughts. For once, I just want someone to choose me over the same damn kind of person all the time. I’m sick of being in the dark on things. For once, I’d just like to know that things are going to turn out ok. But, it’s not all about me.
As I’m on the brink of 25 this week, I’m going to try to enforce more positive thinking into my life. I’m going to try to teach myself that everything I do or think isn’t always wrong. I’m going to believe that the dream will happen.
“24 and blooming like the fields of May
25 and yearning for a ticket out”