A Deep Slow Panic

First off, I want to start my extremely melodramatic post off with a giant THANK YOU to all of my readers out there! This is my 100th post and I wouldn’t have stuck around this long if any of you hadn’t followed, tweeted, re-blogged, shared, commented, etc on my writing, so thank you again! Now..on to my drama fest.

cbIf things weren’t completely overwhelming before, this week has definitely kicked that notion into gear. Oddly enough, while not having a job and feeling like a worthless human being can be overwhelming on my mental health, I’m finding that things are severely underwhelming as well. With no job prospects or any idea where to go next, I’m surprised I’m even sane enough to be writing this blog entry. But, I do have a lot of time on my hands so why not spend it doing something I love? To be clear, I mean writing…not complaining. 😉

While feeling like a worthless piece of *insert expletive here,* I’m also learning about the sneaky, disgusting ways of the job world. For a long time, I’ve always wanted to write for a big name company. Now? Not so much. I’ve seen how they treat great employees while keeping around not so great ones. It’s disheartening and I’m not sure if I really want to be a part of something like that. I want to seek places where I’ll be appreciated. I don’t want someone telling me I’m excellent at what I do only because they want something from me. Money comes into play too often in big name companies and great people are being laid off not for the quality of their work but because of greed within the higher authorities. If anything, it really inspires me to try and change that in the workplace. People with power abuse it. One day, I want to be able to create a place where quality triumphs quantity and where greed gets diminished as fast as aforementioned workers get fired.

It has been said that God equips you with everything you need to succeed. We already have all of the resources to follow the path He intends for us. So why do I feel so trapped? Why do I feel like I have nothing? After pushing so hard, I’m not sure I can push anymore. I know it’s not healthy to compare ourselves to others, but when I see people who barely know how to form a complete sentence while still getting published somewhere, it makes me wonder what is wrong with me. Why them over me? What am I doing wrong? More importantly: why are they publishing articles without reading them over and running them through a spell checker? It just doesn’t make sense to me. But I will never dumb myself down for a paycheck. I’d rather live in a cardboard box. Pride? Maybe. But I will not tolerate ignorance nor will I throw my dignity away for someone else’s gain.

While I lay myself down to sleep at night and this deep slow panic reaches the breaking point, I will do what I always do. I will pray for reassurance and peace of mind. For a couple of months, I had a dreamcatcher over my bed. I kept having these horrible nightmares so I took it down. I just want to learn how to rely on God but after going through my whole life not being able to rely on anyone, I’m finding it rather difficult. I wish it wasn’t so, though. Baby steps is how I’ll have to do it. God never said that He would stop the storm, but I know He will walk me through it.

“Slowly, it’s consuming me
Deliberate and deep, I can’t take this deeper panic
Teach me, teach me not to dream
Dream deeply”

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