I’m no relationship expert, but after my last boyfriend I started to figure out what I don’t want in a relationship. I’ve also come to the conclusion that relationships shouldn’t be as hard as everyone makes them out to be. Chances are, if you are constantly fighting to defend yourself to that other person, it really is not worth your time. After breaking up with my last boyfriend, I have never been more content to be alone more in my life. Looking back, that relationship was 50% toxic, 50% desperation on both sides and it’s been taking me a long time to forgive myself for a lot of things. I hate having to explain myself to someone. If you don’t get me, then fine. Leave me be. Some people try to mold you into the perfect mate, and when you don’t measure up to this image of perfection they have in their heads, it’s all downhill from there – not to mention hurtful words I will never forget. I was left to pick up the pieces of who I thought I should be. I tried too hard to hold on to what little I had left of the real me, but I felt he kept trying to suffocate those parts and force me into things I was not ready for, or better yet, just not with him. At the risk of being totally vulnerable, I can’t help but feel that I have nothing to offer anyone. I keep thinking that if this is what all guys want, then I really have no shot at this love thing. I think this is inadequacy at its best.
Being your own person has its stigma, and I’ve felt its wrath plenty of times. I’m constantly told I’m wrong or stupid for doing, or not doing, the things that I do. Society is a bitch like that. It tries to send positive messages yet at the same time, it tells you that you should live a certain way to please everyone. Considering how my last relationship ended, I’m not a people pleaser but I’m also not self-righteous. When people put me down for being myself, I take the bullet and run. I’ve been stabbed enough times to know when I need to shut someone out. It seems everyone leads identical lives – parties every week, drugs, cigarettes, liquor, money and jobs I’ll never have, college degrees I’ll never afford, their own apartments – lives. My life consists of writing, reading, family, looking at the stars, praying, learning more about God, my daily walks, errands, cleaning and of course, music. Personally, I’m okay with this. I’ve never identified with people my age, even when I was a teenager. This has always been okay…so why am I so afraid nobody will ever want me?
I just turned 25 this year and I won’t lie, I’m scared as *insert expletive here.* My job prospects don’t look so good, and here comes the vulnerability again – I don’t look so good either. I either eat too much or too little, my skin drives me insane and let’s not get on the topic of my hair. But we all have our bad days. I’m trying to focus more on what I do have rather than the things that I wish I had. Maybe one day I’ll realize I had everything I needed, but not today. I’m not sure what guys – real honest men, want. They say they want women to just be themselves, but I think they’re just trying to not sound like a-holes. After my ex kept telling me to “just be myself,” and I did, I felt like he was pulling me in the opposite direction.
All of this brings me to these questions: Are there any guys in their twenties who go to church and can teach me more about God? Are there actual men out there who believe that chivalry is not dead and who will hold the door for you? Are there men out there who are just as confused as I am and won’t hold it against me like every guy I’ve ever known in my life? If so, please let me know so I feel like there is hope out there for little ol’ me one day. I enjoy my solitude, but sometimes I just want to crawl into someone’s arms when the confusion gets to be overwhelming.
So there you have it. I just pretty much bled out for the whole internet to see. Did I break some sort of rule? I’m losing track of everything I should be hiding.