My mind wanders to places I wish it would not go, especially at night. After finding all of my old journals and pictures from my past, I started to fully realize how unhappy I was six years ago. It’s scary how we can train our minds to believe that we are happy and to not complain, but your gut, and your heart, always knows. You can feel it; that stabbing pain nudging you when something goes awry, telling you to walk away, that you deserve better, yet we still convince ourselves that we are fine. I’m not sure why we subject ourselves to such foolery, but I think it has something to do with us not believing in our worth. We accept what we think we deserve, and sadly, it isn’t much to brag about.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about people who have hurt me in the past. I probably shouldn’t, since I know that the key to moving on is to let go of past demons, but certain thoughts haunt me. I’m not sure if they’ll ever fade away. All of those said people seem to be living the good life since I’ve been gone, and while that may be true for myself as well at times, I can’t help but wonder if karma will ever come their way. When will they start to hurt and suffer the way they’ve made me suffer? I know it sounds cruel and believe me when I say that I wish nothing but the best for these people, but something’s gotta give. Why am I the only person who gets punched in the face every time while the offenders walk off into the sunset with everything they’ve ever wanted. How is that fair? Why do I have to live with their hurtful words echoing in my ear every time I’m down in the dumps while everything seems peachy for them? I could move on and just forget about it, but that’s easier said than done.
Truthfully, I don’t know how life is going for them. Maybe they’re just as miserable as they were when I knew them. What I do know is, waiting for an apology is not the answer because more than likely, I’ll never get one. Some people never even realize that they did anything wrong. I have to laugh when pretty girls say that boys always come back, but that notion isn’t always true, especially not for people like me. They never come back. Instead, we’re left to pick up the messy pieces to one confusing puzzle we’ve been trying to put together since adolescence. We don’t get apologies; people just leave, but their words stick with us. We’re all just searching for one good thing about us since all we’ve ever heard was deflating.
The trick is to look inside. To show them that they did not break us. When I look back now, I see how many bullets I’ve dodged but it still doesn’t take away the pain of being thrown away. Now, my next goal is to try to erase those hurtful words along with the ones I’ll never hear.
“Never wait for words, they will lead you in circles.”