I spent most of Christmas Eve night sitting by my tree with a journal, trying to sum up how I feel about life and the events that can turn it into things we never imagined.
For the past four Christmases, I’ve only ever wanted one thing. That one thing cannot be bought or wrapped with a pretty ribbon or bow. It’s funny how your Christmas wishes change as you get older. It’s also funny how we wish for these things with so much hope in our hearts, yet when what we wish for doesn’t magically appear, we start to question ourselves. I know God hears me. I pray for it everyday. But I also know that the things worth having in life don’t come with the thrill of instant gratification that you can pick up at a store.
When I think back on when I first started wishing for this one thing, I realize how far I’ve come and how much my whole entire life has changed. Even if I never get my wish, I can’t see myself ever going back to my old ways. I might not know how to get up off my feet after such a hard blow, but something tells me I’ll find my way. Thinking about the worst case scenario is kind of maddening to mull over. I’m still not entirely confident in my new found freedom but I’m navigating my way around blindly and I seem to be doing okay. I always say I’m hoping for the best but expecting the worst, just in case I don’t fall to pieces again, yet if I’m being candid, I still think I’d fall apart if the worst case scenario were to occur. No matter how positive I may feel about a certain situation, there’s always that crippling fear of bad things to come – only because it’s all I’ve ever known.
On the bright side, no matter how wrapped up in my worries that I get, God always shows me that I am a total nutcase and that He’s working things in my favor. Things that I once thought were inevitable did not happen and for that I have been breathing a sigh of relief all Christmas. God sure does have a sense of humor, and the overwhelming peace I feel after I realize that I’m overreacting is beyond anything I could have ever asked for. I’ve never had anyone in my life that I could trust with all of my worries. It’s nice to finally have that during one of the most confusing times in my life.
While I’m wishing for the same thing every day of my life, I’m also taking in everything that I am blessed to have right now. I had my family around me all day. I had tons of food and presents that I don’t deserve. No matter how sad we are around the holidays, we have to try to remember that it could be worse. We are fortunate. We are worthy.
Always remember that timing is the key to anything worth having. While I can’t have my wish right now, I can’t deny that the thing I’m wishing for brings me happiness throughout the entire year. I just can’t wait until the day that I can give back.
I hope you all had a very merry Christmas! I appreciate every single one of you. Thanks for reading, thanks for caring. 🙂