I came across a blog post today that inspired me and hit too close to home. It talked about how we’re always apologizing for our shortcomings. Hello, I do this all of the time! You might want to sit back for a while, it’s about to get real personal.
When you grow up feeling out of place and still feel that way even at the age of 25, it’s kind of hard to stop apologizing for everything you supposedly do wrong. The friends I had said they understood me but their actions proved otherwise. When somebody tells you they love you for who you are and then do everything in their power to break your spirit for being yourself, it’s a blow to the heart. Unfortunately it still hasn’t fully healed, even after it being over for 3 1/2 years. It’s amazing how others contradict their words and twist ours to mean something so sinister. It sickens me and I wish at least one person would prove me wrong.
“I’m sorry” tends to be my most overused phrase to just about everyone in my life. I’ve come up short and for this I loathe myself. I’m sorry we don’t hang out anymore. I’m sorry I didn’t sleep with you. I’m sorry I don’t want to drink or do drugs every night. I’m sorry I’ve failed you. Trying to live up to everyone’s expectations is draining and the scary part is that most of the time, I don’t even realize I’m doing it! I always thought I was walking to the beat of my own drum but it turns out I’ve been disappointing everyone in the process. Well, to that I will give a very blunt FU. We can’t please everybody and by trying to be what everyone wants, we lose our true selves – in turn, we wind up resenting ourselves. I’m tired of hating myself. I’m tired of a certain someone’s hurtful words haunting me every day of my life. Deep down, I know I’m worthy but once someone pinpoints every single thing you’re doing “wrong,” you start to believe in the bullshit. You told me I was worthy then you treated me the opposite. How cruel. I still think you’re shit, but I’ll always wish you well.
If anything, let this post empower you to stop apologizing. Live your life out loud and don’t let other people’s problems darken your spirit. Be who you are without apologies. You don’t owe anybody anything except a pat on the back from yourself for making it this far.
Ugh, I’m having an emotional week. -_-