Playing The Role of Someone In Control

School-hallway

When I was in high school, one of my favorite bands was Trapt. I used to listen to their music on loop everyday after school – especially on bad days, and back then, that was pretty often. Chris Brown’s (no, not who you’re thinking) words mirrored my own, and like anything I listen to, this is crucial to any music fan. Even now, hearing Chris’s voice sparks up so many bittersweet memories of being a teen. “When words fail, music speaks.”

It was late 2005. Trapt’s second album, Someone In Control, had just been released and I think I absorbed every note of that album into my bloodstream. To this day, I can probably listen to the full thing in my head without skipping a beat. One song hit home especially hard – “Lost Realist.” I was in my senior year and things were going downhill fast. I wasn’t sure what my plans were for college or anything concerning the future. The future scared me into oblivion. To be honest, I was numb to everything back then. I had too much on my mind and I just kind of sunk into bed every night and avoided all responsibility in the mornings. My mom and I had screaming fights morning after morning about school. It may sound like I was self-destructive, but I was just really sad about life. School wasn’t a priority, but if you went to QV, you’d understand why.

“My independence is calling my name, a doubtful voice abides my faith.”

Do you ever just want to start over? I sometimes feel like the teenage me is still alive within me. I thought she left but she’s still there, afraid to come out. During senior year, all I wanted was a way out. Trapt conveyed that feeling perfectly. I fucked up. Big time. But oddly enough, I don’t regret it. Little did I know, I was “playing the role of someone in control.” I knew what I needed to do, but I shifted everything to go the opposite way because I just wasn’t ready to deal with it all. How did life go by so fast? I still ask myself this question.

“Why do I rush to slow down everything?”

I skipped school. A lot. I don’t want to place the blame on our corrupt public school system in New York City, but it did play a major part in my screw up. I just wanted to start fresh for so long but I never felt like I had a good opportunity to do that. I wasn’t challenged enough. I didn’t have a good support system. My grandmother was in pretty bad shape all through my senior year. I just wanted to slow down to live. To be happy. I wanted to avoid everything that was making me feel shitty. I was scared of what the next year would look like. I wasn’t ready. For any of it. I wanted my time back to be a kid. I tried to keep things the way they were for so long yet I needed a change to pull me out of my rut.

“Will the dice ever roll? When will I ever know? Will the plot ever twist or will I still resist?”

As I listen to this song now at 25, I feel every emotion just like it was yesterday. I may not be in as bad of a place as I was back then, but I am anxious more than I should be. Where do I belong? Will that question ever be answered?

“I’m playing the part of a lost realist.”

Music is timeless. I related to this song almost 9 years ago, and it rings true even to this day. But I sure hope to God I don’t still relate to it 10 years from now. Hopefully, by the time I’m 35, the pains of my youth won’t be lingering around anymore. I’ll keep my youthful spirit though. You’re never too old to sing like a lunatic at the top of your lungs. 😉

There are albums that keep us coming back in times of need – Someone In Control is one of those albums. Thank you, Trapt, for expressing what was once hard to convey.

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