I Hate The Way You Look At Me…

tumblr_ldhy2v3tjT1qdau0do1_500I can’t identify with people my age. Never have and I probably never will. But there is one thing I think we can all agree on: trying to find a job sucks the life (and any self-confidence you have) right out of you.

Our parents seem to think it’s so easy, though. After catching me weeping this afternoon while job searching, (yes, I was legit weeping) my mom and I sort of got into the kind of conversation that Lena Dunham so perfectly wrote out for the opening scene of the Pilot for Girls, and I use the term “perfectly” loosely, mainly because I personally think that show portrays everything that is wrong with my generation, but that’s a whole other story. I will admit that I do like the opening scene of the Pilot, and think it will sadly transcend through all future generations as they try to pursue their passions. During our lengthy conversation, we both came up with a shitty suggestion that eats me alive just thinking about it – pursue something else. But what I didn’t tell her was that I refuse to end up like her and my father.

The world has changed since our parents entered the workforce. It’s harder to find jobs now. My mother scored a job at the main AT&T office right out of high school. College wasn’t such a big requirement back then. I always say I was born in the wrong decade. My world hates me, while the world I hear in stories from my parents sound like a dream. I feel stuck while the illusions my parents seem to have make them look at me differently now and I hate it.

I haven’t cried in my mother’s lap since I got my heart broken in high school. This feels 10x worse – it’s an ongoing process and every time I get silently rejected (no phone call, e-mail, or anything) I put the blame on myself and hate who I am. It’s a mean, sick cycle and I want to feel worthy again. This has been going on for far too long and the harder it gets, it makes me believe that I am terrible at what I do. No feedback. No call backs. Nothing. Zero. Even after inquiring afterwards.

Now imagine this happening to you, even with guys. Wouldn’t you start to question yourself too? Yeah, being me isn’t too fun these days. Oddly enough, it doesn’t stop me from trying and getting punched in the face again. I guess you gotta roll with the punches until you find the one that actually wants to help.

 

“People have problems that are worse than mine. I don’t want you to think I’m complaining all the time, and I hate the way you look at me, I have to say, I wish I could start over.”

 

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One thought on “I Hate The Way You Look At Me…

  1. I can sort of relate to this too, Tina!
    It really is difficult trying to find a job and places that will actually hire you or even get back to you after applying for their company!
    I’ve been looking for jobs and my parents think you can find one at the snap of a finger but it’s not like that at all.
    I hope you end up finding something you like though, that’d be good!

    Like

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