There comes a time in our lives when we ask ourselves “am I really as good as I think I am?” When we start to question our abilities it doesn’t take long before we start to question God. Sometimes I wonder if I’m on the right path; am I pleasing God and could I do a better job in certain situations? Is He proud of me or is he looking down at me with a frown, wondering how I ever got led astray? I’m no expert when it comes to religion; everything is fairly new to me as I’ve been discovering the things I maybe should have relied on earlier in life, but like most things, I am a late bloomer. I’m just taking it one day at a time and trying to feel my way through it all.
I’m not sure if I can describe it, but every now and then I get this overwhelming feeling like everything is just too burdensome. My chest feels heavy and there’s no one to turn to that will listen or even let me cry on their shoulder. Those are the nights when my journal gets the most attention. Sometimes I feel like the things that keep me going are all an illusion, like I’ve built up a world of magic because my real life is tragic (thanks, Paramore) and what I feel I’m on the verge of will never happen. I don’t want to be that jaded someone who looks back on their life 20 years from now, saying “I was so naive to how cruel this life can be.” I don’t want a stilted view. I want the things I envision to come to life, not just be a reoccurring daydream that gets me through the day.
There are days when I feel God’s love and reassurance to the point where I feel encased in a box of protection. He shows me the signs and I wink up at the sky with a tear in my eye. Then there are days when I hear every negative thought come to life and I am crippled with the fear of never amounting to my potential. I’m sure God is busy and I don’t mean to sound like a typical entitled twentysomething, but what goes missing in myself when I feel like He isn’t there to walk me through the storms? Not enough trust, I guess. I know He is not the problem – it’s me, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what goes wrong in these rough patches of stagnancy.
There are many things we are never meant to understand. All we can do is trust, even when it feels incredibly risky. One thing is for sure: I never want to stop learning. I want to ride out the bad parts and find a way to use those feelings in order to get to the good ones. Self-reliance is all I’ve ever had and it has gotten me this far but there are times when I need another hand to hold in order to make it through unscathed.