*Through writing this piece, I found the strength I needed to forgive someone who bruised up my spirit for a very long time. The power of God’s presence through writing will forever amaze me and I am happy to share my breakthrough with the world.
Stephen Chbosky got it right when in The Perks of Being a Wallflower, he wrote, “Things change, people leave, and life doesn’t stop for anybody.”
What happens when someone who was once such a major part of your life leaves you with a big mess to clean up? Suddenly, they aren’t around anymore and now it is up to you to find the strength to forgive all on your own without any contact. But how do we forgive someone if we don’t have the closure that we need to move on?
“You’re not perfect, but you’ll do.” “Why can’t you just be like every other girl?” These are the hurtful words of my ex-boyfriend that still continue to haunt me to this day. He found someone else faster than you could utter a goodbye, and left me feeling like a poor excuse of a person. How do you leave someone you’ve been with for four years and immediately jump into a new relationship the next day? It’s been hard trying to forgive him for everything he put me through, but I will say that it does get easier once you realize everything you are worth.
To be perfectly honest, I don’t miss my ex one bit. In fact, the night we split was the best night’s sleep I’ve ever had in my life. He got into drugs during our relationship, and whenever I think back on that period of my life, I’m grateful that God’s hand reached out to me three months before we broke up in order to give me the courage to walk away. Once he was gone, I felt like I was let out of my cage.
Closure is a funny thing. The majority of the time, in order to find closure, we need to be exposed to the main source of our pain in order to move past it. I’m not even sure if I’m ready to face my ex again and if I’m being perfectly candid, I kind of want karma to intervene and show him the hell that he put me through; this is when I realize my emotions towards this guy turn me into an ugly person and I know I am better than that. I’ve learned that waiting for an apology never improves a situation and it certainly is not healthy. Maybe he’s completely oblivious to the fact that he even did anything wrong.
Why do we have to forgive in order to find closure? Fortunately, forgiveness has its perks but more often than not, we very seldom find closure. The thought of that other person still lingers but I still believe it is possible to forgive in the process. Not only does it give us peace of mind, but it heals our hearts and allows space for renewal to set in. Carrying around all of that weight is exhausting, especially if we haven’t been in contact with the people who have hurt us. I often thought that if I ever saw my ex again, I’d attack him with everything that has been swirling around in my head but I don’t want to be that girl. It takes more energy to hold a grudge than it does to forgive and I’d rather channel it into something more productive. As far as I’m concerned, I’m better off without him and he is better off without me. It is important to allow ourselves to find closure all on our own, because more times than not, the other person won’t be willing to give that to you on a silver platter.
One day it all just clicked. I thought back to when an old friend betrayed me. I was furious for years until one day I started to piece everything together and realized that it wasn’t me. People take out their inner turmoil on us and sometimes we mistake that as a flaw in our character. I may have made a few mistakes in my past relationships, but at the end of the day, I can honestly say that I loved everyone as much as I possibly could. I was finally able to forgive that friend and wish her the best. It got to the point where I came full circle. It’s all water under the bridge now. While I do think it is possible to forgive, it’s even harder to forget but once you allow yourself to move past those negative emotions, it gets easier.
Think about those grudges you are holding on to. Do you feel that tightness in your chest? Let it go. Take care of yourself and believe that all things happen for a reason. We go through rough patches to help us come out stronger. Let those negative emotions fuel your journey out of the darkness.
To the man who made my world very dark for a long time: I am sorry I gave your words so much power to ruin me. I realize that’s a flaw on my part. Believe it or not, every lesson learned during our relationship has helped me become the person I am meant to be and I wouldn’t trade all of the days we had together for anything. I’m not sure if you are reading this or if you ever even wonder about me anymore, but I honestly hope that you are okay and happy. I still think of you and all the things you put me through, but I forgive you.
Look deep within yourself. The will to forgive is waiting to be found and it’s a lot closer than you think. Remember: you owe it to yourself to find happiness.
“Abusive words cover me like dust.”