It is insane the things our minds think of late at night. It’s like our brains are automatically programmed to think bad thoughts at a certain hour. Like most people with insomnia and anxiety, my mind runs wild late at night while trying to fall asleep. I ultimately wind up curled up in my blankets, sobbing, because of these irrational fears that might not ever happen.
But why do they feel so real?
When you’ve heard the same thing from people over and over, you start to believe that they are true. Why do I keep replaying these things? Maybe I’m just fighting my hardest to believe that they aren’t true.
“You’re not perfect, but you’ll do.”
“You’re not as pretty as her, but…”
“Why can’t you just be like every other girl?”
Guys say the meanest things to me. I’m not sure why I think about all of these things, but lately the loneliness has been stabbing me in the heart and the fear of never getting the chance to love someone creeps its way in uninvited. Are those things true? Am I not as pretty as all those other girls? It’s funny…how one person says exactly how you’ve always felt about yourself. So that must confirm it, huh? That must mean it is true. Every insecurity comes raging to life with a force I can’t contain. Yet a part of me deep down is screaming, “It’s NOT, Tina. It’s really not. They were just assholes.”
I want to believe that.
The saddest part is, if I ever do get the chance to be with someone, I’m going to be flinching every time they speak – just waiting for them to say something hurtful.
“I’m lying on my own. My fucking hands are cold.
I’ll escape the loneliness but I didn’t ask for this.
So keep my blankets on, figure out where I went wrong.”