Anxiety. You hear about it all of the time. In blogs. On TV. In the news. In music. But what they don’t tell you is how it really feels. Someone might describe it in a blog, but you never fully understand it unless you’ve experienced it firsthand. Some think it’s cool to say they suffer from it, just to sound like they’re in on something. Some might rave about the anti-anxiety medication they’re on, saying it works wonders. We are a drugged up nation and I want no part of that.
I don’t want to be drugged up. So instead, I suffer. I go through the motions of sleepless nights, wishing my brain/nerves had an off button. I wouldn’t call my anxiety ‘severe.’ In fact, I think I suffer from overthinking to the point of depression more than anything. I have good days and bad days. Lately, mostly the latter. I had one good day this weekend. Now, I’m back to my normal state of worry and to be honest, I am fucking tired of it. I’m having a really difficult time trusting God, and that tends to scare me too.
Most people probably wouldn’t admit these things to anyone, for fear of judgement. I am my own worst critic, so there is nothing anybody can say to me that I haven’t already thought of. Instead, I want to shine a light on these worries and insecurities in hopes that somebody out there doesn’t feel alone. I know that feeling all too well, and even if just by reading that somebody across the world feels the same way, we can all try to come to terms with the fact that these feelings are universal. If you’ve never felt any of these things before, GOODBYE! Either you are not human or you’re bullshitting yourself.
1. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need someone to listen to me without interrupting or telling me what I should do. Those who suffer from anxiety don’t want a lecture. We need to be heard – free from judgement and criticism. Sometimes, we just need a friend. Someone to show us that they’re not like the rest. The ones who aren’t afraid of showing that they actually care about someone. I just need to be held and it’s really hard to find that when 90% of the people you know don’t give a shit.
2. Nothing has ever made me hate myself more than the endless job search. I feel like I should just have “not good enough” tattooed to my forehead. I realize that these things take time. But I’ve been looking for a long time now, and I’m starting to think I’m either doing something wrong or I’m just shit. I’m constantly brushed to the side and I am sick of it. I’m at the end of my rope and I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. I often feel like people don’t respect me because I’m unemployed. I’m not sure what my next step is going to be, but I know something needs to change.
3. I’ll admit – I can be a bit of a control freak. I realize this probably relates to about 95% of my worries. Not being able to help a situation along the way cripples me. I need to feel like I’m contributing something to this world. To my life. I feel like everything is passing me by and I don’t have the resources to take part in any of it.
Maybe these concerns are normal among my age group. All I know is that I just want my old self back…and someone to listen. I often hear people say that they don’t want to get involved with people who suffer from anxiety because it comes with too much baggage. Little do they know that just by being a friend, that baggage slowly starts to evaporate. Think twice before you make an ass out of yourself.