I’m not sure if you will ever read this but I need to let it out anyway. I have 3 notebooks filled with letters to you that I hope to one day give you, but for now, this shall suffice.
I saw something today that made me stop and catch my breath (see above). Thank God. For a while there, I thought I lost it. ‘It’ meaning you. Sure you’re not even remotely mine at all but your presence in my heart has been a constant for the past four years. I’ve had someone else on my mind for a few months now – a distraction, if you will. He’s amazing, just like you, but at the end of the day, as much as I hate to be someone who says such terrible things, he’s not you. I could love him. A lot. But chances are, I won’t. I can’t. Since then, you’ve been fading from view and my heart and world have never felt emptier. I don’t see the world the same anymore. My hope dwindles as the summer rages on with it’s oppressive heat, blocking the air flow from my lungs. God feels like an old friend. I want to reconnect, but something keeps holding me back, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. Maybe it’s just me bracing myself for the worst. I can’t deny what He’s shown me over the years, and I’ll never understand His intentions, but like everyone else in my life, I expect Him to let me down. This, in turn, makes me feel like a shitty person. I am only human. As much as I’d like to understand it all, chances are, I never will. I just hope if I ever do figure it all out, you’ll be there next to me.
The past 7 months have been the loneliest I’ve ever been. All of a sudden, it just hit me in the dead of winter and I can’t seem to shake it off. I see my life passing me by while I sit here, stagnant. Stale. Alone. Wishing I could talk to someone without feeling like I am the biggest loser on the face of the earth. I watch you with her and my stomach tenses. Please tell me she’ll be gone soon. Tell me you’re going to come home and stay for longer than just a weekend. Tell me we’ll have our moment. It’s all I’ve been hoping for since the last time I saw you, on that crisp September night. I told myself that I would see you again and it’s what I’ve been holding on to. My faith is as small as a mustard seed right now, but I hear that’s all you really need to keep you going.
“No matter how long, or how tired I become, I will wait for you.”
I’m tired. So tired. But He woke me up for a reason and I intend to stay alive to find out why.
*Daily Haiku by Tyler Knott Gregson