This is so hard to explain, but I’m going to try to feel it out the best I can.
For the past 6 months, I have completely lost myself. Unexpectedly. But then again, who really expects these things? I’m not sure how it happened. I just fell into it. Maybe it was a test. From my standpoint, I think I failed.
There are certain things that come into your life and they just feel right, while others may give you that happy feeling for a little while but deep down, you know something is off, despite how much you try to ignore it. I am no stranger to this, and I swore I’d never weigh myself down with something like that ever again, but my blind optimism always seems to shock me. I got so deep into this illusion that when it came crashing down, I surprised myself again with a flow of tears because it had finally hit me how far off track I had gotten. I was feeling amazing for a long time, then once I wandered off track for a little while, I crashed. Hard. But now I see it. I went too far in the wrong direction, and boy am I realizing how bad I had gotten.
I had been filled with so much hope before this. I felt inspired, healthy, and open to the beauty that God had been showing me. Then, once I veered off into the wrong lane, I felt conflicted. Scared. Confused. I felt like the magic I had once felt was gone and I tricked myself into believing that it was never coming back. I’m not sure if it will, but I’m hoping with time and healing, I’ll be renewed. I’ve also experienced a wave of unexpected gnawing loneliness. This was another shock to the system because I’ve always valued my solitude. There were nights (and I’m sure it’ll continue, especially tonight) where I’d lie awake for hours, sobbing, wondering how I got to this point in my life where the absence of love got it’s claws into me and found a way to pathetically eat away at my insides. I often said to myself, “Tina, what’s WRONG with you? You’ve always been strong!” But I guess I can only take so much and I’ve already hit my breaking point.
When depression hits, it comes in full force. I can’t believe I was so blind to my intuition. I’ve been eating a lot more – bad things. I’m just now seeing that I tried to use things that are bad for me to fill the void of everything wrong in my life. I feel so stupid. I’m not happy anymore and the things that used to bring me joy have felt mediocre. My weight has been fluctuating and I’ve been hating what I see when I look in the mirror. What confuses me the most out of all of this is that the main cause isn’t something that would usually cause such behavior. I guess it’s just telling me that it’s not for me and that I got too caught up in a fantasy that will never be mine.
I want to be able to walk into church again and not feel like I have betrayed myself. For the past 6 months, I’d sit there in silence, conflicted, not sure what to pray for or if I’m just delusional for thinking I can have a happy life. I used to sit in there feeling accomplished, hopeful; and I used to walk out of there feeling like a million bucks, ready to take on another day. Now, like today, I sit in there and feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. I guess God needed to numb my mind so I don’t spontaneously combust in public. I don’t know how He puts up with me, but I owe Him one. While I’ll admit, it was nice to be able to shut my mind off for a few minutes, but there’s no substitute for raw emotions. I used to be able to pinpoint everything but lately I guess I’ve been so afraid of admitting these things that I kept shoving it away as it grew bigger and ate at me.
Today I prayed for help in letting go of my fear. As much as I hate to admit it, fear runs my life. Fear needs to fuck off. It tells me I’m not good enough and it paralyzes me. Fear is the devil.
I’ve completely ignored my true self. I am even shaking as I write this. How did this happen? It’s like telling a child not to cross into dangerous territory yet the child has that voice inside their head saying “…but what if? Just try it!” Meanwhile, the child knows deep down that it’s wrong and that they’ll get hurt. When did I become this person? Will I ever find my way back?
I don’t know where Tina went, but I intend on getting her back. Maybe this is the breakthrough I’ve been silently screaming on my knees for. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.
I just need to get through tonight first.