I remember it clearly- me practically on my knees asking God why I felt so lost. I asked Him multiple times, but because I felt so distanced from Him, all I heard was the heartbreaking sound of absolutely nothing.
Deep down, I knew. I knew why I had been feeling so closed off from my usual self. I was tired. I was selfish. Greedy. Arrogant. I was ashamed to admit it. For 6 whole months, I was my own worst enemy, wandering down unknown territory looking for something to fill the void.
“This isn’t me,” I often told myself. So why didn’t I catch myself sooner?
Curiosity. It may have killed the cat, but luckily for me, I only suffered a tiny heart wound.
As I sit here, trying to pick up the pieces of what I have done to myself, I can’t help but go back. The puzzle is 95% done, the other 5% I’m getting warmer to. I went back to the beginning, to the end of January when my usually resilient patience started to wear thin. When the dead of winter creeped it’s way into my bones and made my heart and body feel so empty. It drained all of my hope, faith and magic and left me hollow, afraid and alone. It’s then that I started to wander. I was under the impression that what I had always wanted was so far out of reach. Would I be waiting forever? Is it all hopeless? Am I insane? Yes. It felt that way, and I’d be lying if I said it still doesn’t, but now I understand the true meaning of faith and I intend on holding on for dear life.
When I think of the way I acted and how I almost settled for things I do not deserve, I can’t help but hate myself for giving in to the desires of being a lonely human. There were days when I felt like I would die from it all – the confusion, the bitter cold and the loneliness. I’d listen to certain songs and they didn’t feel the same as they previously had. Everything was hazy. I lost myself.
I never thought I’d ever get to the bottom of this. I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel normal again. I was sick and tired of asking Him, “what is going on?!” Finally, God gave me the breakthrough I needed in the form of temporary heartbreak. I never understood the saying, “He wrecks us, then restores us.” I often thought, “well, that’s just terrible.” But now I get it. I totally get it, and I am so thankful to have come out of this alive and with the inspiration to find out more; to better myself all while learning valuable lessons I’ll carry with me forever.
I’m not 100% yet, and I’ll admit, it still stings, but timing is everything. Always has and always will be. I may have broken a few glasses this year, but that’s okay. It’s a life requirement we all fulfill from time to time without keeping track.
He delivers. Always. Stay strong.
“We all go off the track and feel for our way back. Everybody breaks a glass.”