In the midst of a dark and confusing time, it’s hard to believe that circumstances have the ability to get better. One year ago today, I was force-feeding myself false hope to get me through the night. But now, as I look back one year later, I’ve come to realize that it wasn’t false hope. It was God being His wonderful self, assuring me that it will all get better. A sort of “this won’t matter a year from now” assurance – and guess what? He was right.
I apologize, again, for my cryptic descriptions, but some things are just too fragile to expose.
One year ago today, my thoughts were a jumble of emotions I couldn’t express. As a writer, this infuriates me. As a human being, it cripples me. I floated through the night in an odd maze of discontent and a wave of peace. Discontent, because I thought I’d never see someone again and peace because it had freakishly panned out how I imagined. I wouldn’t have to feel this awkward and hopeless anymore in certain situations. Which leads me to present day…everything freakishly playing out like I had prayed.
For so long, there was something in the way of this whole story unfolding for real. I honestly thought it would never go away. It would always be there, taunting me, showing me what I cannot have. But now, that distraction is gone. It still hasn’t fully hit me yet. I expected fireworks. A wave of happiness to take over my brain and send me into a fit of joyous hysterics. But, the cynic in me is sitting here, asking myself, “Ok. Who’s next? Is it me?”
A year ago, when I was sorting everything out, I told myself that things with this distraction needed to unfold before anything good happened…..and it did. It’s done. Now, all I can do is pray that the perfect amount of time is given for healing so that two irresistible forces can find each other again. Then, I promise these posts won’t be so cryptic anymore. 😉
I’ve spent the majority of this year in a dark abyss, hiding from what I once thought was the inevitable. Never once did I trust enough to believe that things had the possibility to work out in my favor.
The only thing that hasn’t changed is the thing I fear the most. It may not have happened yet, and that’s okay. I suspected as much. It still has a high possibility of happening. If He can get me through THAT, He can definitely walk me through this. He’s showing me in major ways lately that His timing is perfect and that I am a warrior.
In due time, this will all make sense.
“The loneliest thing in the shape of a fist
That I wish I could bring in this bitter abyss
Is my petrified heart
Nothing is sacred and nothing is sure anymore
Except all that you are and stand for
Guide me toward your portal.”