*For the next 20 days, I am challenging myself to write 20 posts on self-reflection. Times are stressful and it’s easy to lose sight of ourselves and what/who we want to be and achieve. Brave enough to participate? Just follow along and send me your posts via the comments, a pingback, Twitter or Facebook. 🙂
There comes a point in our lives when we ask ourselves the existential question, “Who am I?” Not because we’ve done something out of character (or perhaps so) but because we want to find a grain of applicable truth about ourselves that pertains to this world. If you’re like me, you’ve probably had a firm grasp of the person you are from an early age. This either can rip you up inside from everyone’s unwanted opinions of such or you just keep on marching to the beat of your own drum. For me, I’ve always been in the middle.
Who am I? It seems like a simple question, but when you think about it, it’s hard to form into words. Maybe because at twenty-six, I’m still vain enough to think that I even know who I am.
If I had to explain who I am, I guess I would say that I hold myself and others to a high standard. Sometimes I don’t mean to, but I only expect the best, despite how much I err, and I only want the best from others. I’m a Virgo in its truest form, so to say I’m a perfectionist is an understatement. The way I do anything is the way I do everything. No half-assing on my end. Maybe back in my school days I would have half-assed a lot of things, but I was uninspired back then to say the least. But still, I realize that’s no excuse. I guess you could say I’m making up for lost time…or I learned my lesson.
In a world where you are radically different from your peers, relating to others can feel like a constant struggle up to the point where you kind of just give up. I guess you could say I am selective when choosing who I befriend. Past experiences have shown me that if I’m not careful who I open up to, I’m left with stab wounds in my heart. People are harsh. I’m not a big fan of them. But if you knock kindly, I just might let you in.
Describing who I am wouldn’t be possible without music. I pretty much breathe it, being a music writer, and you’ll never find me without a song or specific lyric swirling around my head about what I’m feeling at the moment. Art imitates life and without music, I don’t think I’d be this sane.
I’m hopeful, moody, spiritual, fearful, silly, passionate and enigmatic – and that’s all in a day’s work. It’s impossibly hard to try to describe who I am. I can’t imagine trying to capture my entire personality, hopes and dreams included, without missing something. These days, it’s incredibly easy to find things out about people you don’t know. Where’s the mystery? Save the good stuff for those who really matter. Either every day brings on another challenge or I’m still trying to process the previous one. It’s called life and I wasn’t too sure before, but I’m just trying to live it at its fullest despite the crippling fears that rob me of worthwhile experiences.
I may not know how to describe myself at this point in my life, but I know who I am not. That has to count for something. In a world where society and the media try to mold you into one giant mediocre ball of shit, I’m proud to say that I want no part in it. My drum sounds pretty good from up here.
“I’m a million different people all the time but there’s only one of me to get it right.”