*For the next 20 days, I am challenging myself to write 20 posts on self-reflection. Times are stressful and it’s easy to lose sight of ourselves and what/who we want to be and achieve. Brave enough to participate? Just follow along and send me your posts via the comments, a pingback, Twitter or Facebook. 🙂
When you open up the darkest parts of yourself to someone, a bond of trust has to be so tight that your secrets will stay safely locked up. At least, that’s what I thought. There used to be someone I thought I could trust. This person made me feel like we were on the same page, so naturally, I showed this person parts of my heart that were broken. I had no idea that they would throw it all right back in my face, and in turn, I am still trying to pick up all of the pieces. I’m still trying to remind myself that I’m not that person anymore, and that I saw all the red flags but just ignored them. Who knew that giving someone the benefit of the doubt would come and bite me in the ass?
Do you know what it’s like to falsely believe that you and this other person are on the same level? Do you know what it’s like to watch that illusion disintegrate as you keep having to explain yourself? Do you know what it’s like to spill your heart out to someone and wonder if they’re really listening – or if they’re really comprehending everything? Do have any idea what it’s like to realize that this person was basically lying and yessing you to death for so long? I thought this person would be different, but I was wrong, and yet here I am still trying to prove to myself that I’m not the horrible person this person made me out to be.
Those who have the most faults tend to blame everyone else for their unhappiness. I was blamed for this person’s devastating frame of mind but found my own peace in the process. This ultimately led me to wake up one morning a changed woman. I woke up and realized that I didn’t deserve that. As much as I try to forgive and forget, so much has been left unsaid…and I still feel like the monster. It’s like the dragon who breathes fire into you and winds up leaving you half the person you used to be while they go off and live happily ever after.
This is what it feels like to have everything thrown right back in your face. This is how it ends.
20 Posts in 20 Days
“Something so warm
Turned out to be
Something I should’ve known
Would be the death of me
Baby, I tried
I promise I’m usually better than this
And now I can’t even recognize myself anymore
You turned me into this
Please, give me something to
Convince me that I am not a monster
Babe, give me one excuse
Give me one excuse”