“They see my heart. They keep away.”
Those seven words, taken from Portland electro/indie band, Kye Kye, are what made up the majority of my year. Whenever we put our hearts out on the line, there’s always the risk of being shunned. I’ve been going through it my whole life but for some reason, 2014 was the year I broke from it. Everyone’s constantly calling each other out on being fake, yet all I see is our entire society hiding behind a phony facade they’re afraid to shed. I’ve never felt so empty and alone as I did this year; not for the reasons you’d think, but because of the pressures I put on myself because I thought I wasn’t good enough. The actions of others only proved my point, and I realized that I need to stay far away from those who make me feel like I am hard to love. I wasn’t trusting God enough. Needless to say, I never thought I’d wash this year away. I feel completely drained and uninspired and it’s interfering with everything I hold dear. “I don’t want to build a time machine, I just wanna fill this void I feel.”
2014 was the year I was determined to kick-start my career as a writer. Coming from a 26-year old who lives in Brooklyn, the most cliché city in New York for a writer, (though I was here before hipsters invaded) trying to find a well-paying job that I actually enjoy sounds like trying to find a needle in a haystack. This was the year where I felt like I was destined to fail. I did everything in my power to make a name for myself but all I felt was rejected and unappreciated. I’m only hoping that these are the days I’m going to look back on with a bittersweet fondness. The struggle really is real and in 2014, I was in the heart of it – professionally and emotionally.
This was the year I told myself that I would be fearless. Instead, I spent the majority wallowing in my own self-loathing while I bared the bruises of being stepped on. There are so many voices out there trying to be heard. From where I am sitting, they all sound the same. I fought like hell to get noticed and I felt like I paid the price for my own greed. I even made a Facebook page to build my “own personal brand” but every time I say that phrase, I only wind up feeling like a d-bag. Everything I put out into the world is 100% me. I’m tired of having to prove myself to people who are too lazy to realize that.
As of late, I have 66 followers on my Facebook page. I know I shouldn’t care about this. I know I should just be happy people actually liked it. But the more I post, the more I hear the silence. I’m starting to feel like people don’t care what I have to say and those likes are sympathy likes. Call me crazy, but I enjoy feedback. I like to know how my writing is being perceived. It’s so hard to make a connection with people and I still can’t fathom why people won’t support me. I put my heart into everything I do, and when people (some who I thought were my friends/some I have always supported in the past) can’t take the time to show their support in a difficult time, I take it personally. I feel like I spent this entire year shouting for attention. This isn’t who I am. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to go back to when writing was fun and not something I feared people would ignore. I did it for me. That’s when I was at my best. I’m not sure what 2015 holds for me career-wise, but I intend on making sure it’s nothing like this year. I want to be a writer more than anything, but not at the expense of my values.
The next time I sit at the computer or pick up a pen, I don’t want to think about what my next words will bring me or who may be listening. I don’t want to think about how unimportant I am in a world full of noise. Writing used to be a form of tranquility for me but after all of the pressure I put on myself this year to find that damn dream job, I’ve lost my spark. I’m determined to get back on track in the coming year. Hopefully then, all will fall into place.
My values weren’t the only thing that was stepped on this year; my heart took a good beating and left me in a place I told myself I’d never see again. Somewhere between late January to early August, I completely lost myself and everything I had put so much faith in. It’s funny when you know deep down what you are worth, yet the actions of others tend to make you think otherwise. The truth is something I never could get out of guys, even my own father. It’s like I have this giant sign on my forehead that says, “HEY! LIE TO ME!”
As the events of this year unfolded, I started to notice a pattern with every man that has ever been in my life. Apparently, I am not worth the truth. Either that or I was cursed with bad luck (or all men are just lying pieces of shit, but that would be harsh, huh?). I want to say that it doesn’t bother me in the least, but that would be a lie. After you’ve been lied to so many times, you start to see right through people, and between the static and the emptiness, you have no choice but to shield yourself so you don’t get burned. I was fed words that someone thought I wanted to hear. I was fed lie after lie by someone I try so hard to be important enough for. Once they can’t get what they want, you’re nothing to them. I’m starting to think that being courted by a gentleman is only in fairytales and showing someone utter respect is unfathomable. I just wish I didn’t take it all to heart. I also wish I didn’t allow their hurtful words to circle around in my head longer than five seconds. I am sick and tired of being treated like dirt by them all, whether they realize it or not.
In the midst of all the chaos I kept begging God to just quit it already. Stop taunting me and just let me live peacefully. Turns out, I needed that storm to move on to the next chapter. I needed to know rejection and being ignored by the wrong people to appreciate the fulfillment that my hard work is going to lead to, from the right people. I was so close to giving up, but there’s this strong pleading in my entire body that tells me to keep going. I needed to experience those epic fails with those clueless cowards to prepare me for the off-chance that someone amazing is out there for me…if the fates allow. 😉
At the end of the day, when I feel like everyone is against me, I have God to trust. I kind of forgot Him this year as the nonsense of 2014 carried me away and dropped me in a ditch somewhere. There’s this saying I love that goes, “If you don’t feel close to God, who moved?” That’s something that I’m proud to realize in a world full of “me, me, me.” It’s my job to stay close. To hold onto my values in a world where vanity and selfishness reign. It’s always a choice. In 2015, I choose faith. If we don’t take care of ourselves, who will?
After a long hard year of stagnancy, I’m still trying to figure out if I want to piece myself back together or create all new pieces. Obviously, what I’ve been doing isn’t working. But in hindsight, I guess I was pretty fearless. I made it out alive. I even conquered a few fears, which has an incredible freeing feeling that I can’t describe. If someone had asked me to sum up 2014 in one word a few weeks ago, I probably would have said “draining.” While I can’t deny that it was draining, it was also beneficial and transitional. I feel blessed to be able to feel such uncomfortable things. It’s how you know you’re alive. I’m happy in the decisions I’ve made and I’m not going to let the unfortunate actions of others dull my brilliance. I know my worth, and I refuse to lower myself to fit into a ‘maybe’ situation.
I hope 2014 has brought you all unforgettable life lessons and memories that remind you that you are human. Never stop learning. Nothing depresses me more than hearing from people who stay the same their entire lives. Be better tomorrow than you were today and look forward to the future. I know its rough out there, but stay positive. Make your own luck and stick to your guns. Remember that beautiful things don’t ask for attention. You are enough. I am enough…and that’s all I need to know.
“The best way out is always through.” – Robert Frost
“It’s been a long time of this. Something has got to give. It’s been a hard year with nothing to show…and I only know from down this low it’s only up we go.”