I often wonder what my life would be like if I played by the rules. Society constrains us into thinking that if we don’t go about life the “normal” way, we’re headed down the beaten path of hopelessness and failure.
I don’t want to be jaded anymore. I don’t want to play by their rules and I certainly don’t want to join in their pool party of mediocrity. Drowning would be a more feasible option.
I have a raging fire burning a hole in my chest. It’s telling my heart that I need to run – run far away from everyone and everything that tries to drown my spirit and diminish my faith. This fire may burn my insides, but it’s only because I’m hesitating. I’m being rushed to choose, and if I don’t choose “right” (or what’s more lucrative) I’m setting myself up for a catastrophe. What they’ll never understand is that by instilling these poisonous thoughts inside of me, they are belittling my talents and passion for something magnificently altruistic and beautiful.
My insides burn in the hesitation, while I know deep down that this is my choice alone. There’s nothing to choose. I know the way. I don’t follow. I never have. I don’t intend to.
They walk one way, I walk the other. But I still hear their taunts. I know the road less traveled. I still hear the hate tirade. It’s lonely, but it gets me to where I need to be. They crow about their typical journeys but I can’t relate to them. They know the back of my head better than my face.
I can’t relate and it leaves me breathless at night, wishing somebody would understand. Wishing I didn’t have to fight so hard. Wishing I had a shoulder to cry on when my nights are long and pillows are soaked.
I can’t breathe.
When they try to fit you into a tiny box.
When they assume you’re just like them.
When they ask you about yourself and tilt their heads after the response.
When you’re trying to do well, but it’s not their idea of good.
When you’re praying to God at night to lift your demons off of you but you have a clouded mind and a sober head full of confusion that keeps you from saying what you really need.
The soul is always on its knees.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Not at all.
The day you learn to tune in to your inner healer, is the day you win.
I’m not asking for permission anymore.
Mediocrity, be damned.
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