The four most asked questions in life are comprised of one word and a multitude of cryptic answers:
…and most importantly, when?
Why is this happening right now? Because God has an intricate plan that we will never be able to decipher. As a perfectionist, and an all-around lover of being in the know, this frustrates me. Handing off all of my burdens to something a decade ago I thought was out to get me is terrifying. The past five years have been like an awakening of sorts; the learning, the seeing, the knowing, the believing – they’re all a part of the journey of faith I never imagined I’d belong to. As I progress in my process of learning to trust, I feel freer. Then, something happens where I have to hold on even tighter while letting go, trusting that He has it covered and that this is only a small part of the story. I’m a wreck, but I refuse to let it drag me down like the previous times. Why is this happening? I’m guessing because it has to in order for the story to progress and ultimately, unfold.
How will this ever come to fruition? I don’t know. I don’t know and I will never know until the day it happens. How will this ever work out? I don’t know. How could He let this happen? He has a plan. I just wish He wasn’t so secretive all the time. How will I ever get through this? The same as I got through the other five times, only this time with more trust and prayer…because I am tired of worrying about the how. How will it happen? I just don’t know.
Where will this take place? Where can I go to find peace? Where should I be when and if it happens? Am I in the right place? All signs point to yes. At this point, I don’t care where it happens, just as long as it happens.
When? The big one. Today? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year? Five years from now? Or did I miss my chance? When is this going to make sense? When can I breathe that sigh of relief I’ve been holding in for the past five years? When can I sleep through the night knowing that all has come to pass and everything isn’t in limbo? When can I not have to live with my stomach in knots, afraid of what I might see or not see? When is this going to happen?
Because you know what?
I’ve been patient. I’ve been good. I’ve changed. I’ve grown. I’ve come a long way.
I’ve died a thousand times. I’ve listened to every album. I’ve spotted every sign. I’ve grown accustomed to the silence and I’ve written down every line.
How much more of this do I have to endure before I shatter?
When, God? When?