Empty But Hopeful

They asked me to describe my love life and I couldn’t form an answer.

I could have told them how my father treated my mother is something I continuously aim to avoid but it finds me anyway. How our fates are tied to our predecessors and every force of evil tries to crush your soul with every possibility of a new relationship. More like relationshit.

I guess I could have told them how it ruined me. How one person made me look and feel as if I were the most rotten person to ever walk the earth. Of course this all happens after they tell you you’re perfect. You’re beautiful. Then, all of a sudden it dawns on them that you’re less than what you should be.

I could have told them how I am in love with an idea that I’m not truly sure I will ever have. How it feels as if I am being stabbed in the stomach watching them love everyone else but me. How I often feel like the devil is dressed as God in disguise, teasing me with the things he knows I’d want to see; taunting me with every pair of lips he kisses that aren’t mine.

I could have mentioned how I have a list of almosts. How one day you think they’re going to be the man you need, and then all of a sudden they hide when it’s time to be honest. They say I’m intimidating. I say they’re cowards.

When they asked me to describe my love life, I should have lied. I should have told them the story of my grandparents. How they found what they needed early on and they never had to wonder. They never had to wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, hollow, empty and alone. They never had to watch the other love someone else.

I shouldn’t have told them that I’m waiting for something I’m not guaranteed.

I shouldn’t have told them it was nonexistent. That I’m tired. I’m jaded and I’m miserable.

I shouldn’t have told them that I’m not like the other girls.

I shouldn’t have said anything.

Because now they think they have the right to tell me to settle. And settling is my biggest fear.

When they asked me to describe my love life, I should have just showed them my heart.

Empty but hopeful.

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