Follow Your Chaos

It feels like an eternity since my last post but I’m sure it’s because my entire world was flipped upside down one week ago today.

If you’ve been a follower of this blog since the beginning, you’re probably familiar with my cryptic poetry and posts on following your heart and all that gooey inspirational bullshit – not that any of that is going to change, because underneath this rotten mess I need to dig out, there’s still a little bit left of that hopeless romantic somewhere buried deep – but there are going to be some changes and it is going to be dark for a while until I can sort it all out.

One of those changes is a new regular segment I’ve had brewing for a while, Follow Your Chaos. If there was ever a time to start this, it is now.

There’s more on what I’ve been through coming soon from a site I am a new contributor to so I don’t really want to go into details (not that anyone cares) but there’s so much swirling around in my head and it needs to come out.

As most of you may know, I was holding onto something…maybe a bit too tightly.

It is now gone.

Everything I ever feared has come to life.

Now I don’t know where to turn and what to believe.

It is absolutely fucking pitiful how the only time I actually felt 100% happy, it was all an illusion. It is disgusting how I don’t believe I could ever feel that way again, and if I do, I’ll always be questioning it. Because it certainly can’t be real.

It is saddening how I don’t know where to go from here or how I will ever recover. Maybe I am just afraid of who I really am underneath it all; who I am not with a world of magic to keep me stable; who I will be if I continue to let it fester.

Who the hell am I without this?

There is a freedom bubbling up in my chest, just waiting to burst out and show me.

But I’m just not ready yet.

“And I can’t stop even if I wanted to
Up top, maybe I’m simply deluded
That’s right, maybe I’ve been wasting my time
And it’s hard to justify what You can do
I’m so sick and tired of falling through and,
It’s true, maybe I’ve been wasting my time.”


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