What do you do when everything you thought you knew was a lie? How do you deal when the worst case scenario and biggest fear – the one you’ve been praying against for years – actually happens? I thought I wouldn’t be prepared for this. I was intentionally gearing myself up for a huge blow to the heart just in case something like this happened – and then out of the blue, everything I’ve been grasping onto was taken from me. Maybe I prophesied my future by worrying. I expect the worst because that is all I’ve ever known. In hindsight, I think I pretty much expected this. What I didn’t expect, however, was to feel so free. Alone…but still free. I am still alive, trying to piece myself into who I’m going to be in the aftermath of this. I recall a time when I felt like five years would be my limit; I just didn’t think it would end so fast. Time destroyed everything and I was too dumb to realize it.
Five years ago, I woke up from a dream feeling reborn with a sense of purpose. I thought it was God’s way of showing me what I could attain in the future and that if I just follow Him, He would direct me to everything He showed me. Was it the devil in disguise causing me to fall completely in love with an idea that I thought I could have? What were those “signs” from? Did I conjure them all up in my head? Was I reading too much into this? Are coincidences just pure coincidence after all? Does any magic still exist in this world?
Upon finding out, I felt numb. “Why am I not crying?” I asked myself. I thought I was having a nightmare – that if I just shook myself and woke up, it would all be over – but eventually the floodgates opened, and it’s been hard to stop, thinking of all I went through and all I might never experience again. All of that magic, that hope for the future – it’s gone. Oddly enough, it started storming heavily in New York City at the precise moment I found out – thunder, lightning, hail – the works. Maybe that was God’s symbolic way of showing me that He is still on the throne and that the worst is over. But I know better now than to try to decipher any kind of symbolism anymore. Too much has happened. Too much has gone wrong.
The worst part is that I feel betrayed, and I’m still trying to figure out by whom – myself or God? I thought God was on my side; He was directing me all this time, wasn’t He? He was the one showing me the “signs,” telling me to keep holding on, right? He watched me as my eyes lit up and a new spark was birthed every time I witnessed something magical. Was it all an illusion? I’ll never understand how He shows us things then takes them away. It’s hard to imagine this happening for my own good, but a part of me thinks He wanted me to walk through this never-ending storm to get to who I am going to be. An umbrella would have been nice, though. This whole mess is cruel. Flat out cruel.
My mind has been swirling with never-ending questions. I feel stupid and foolish for not being able to distinguish between God’s voice and what I wanted to hear, which I think will be my biggest challenge after all of this. A part of me wishes this is only a setback and what I thought I heard was right – it’s just going to cause a lot of pain for a while – but if that’s not the case, I need to learn to live with this without harboring resentment.
Though I am still in the midst of some major confusion (and I probably will be for a while) I can’t help but feel a sense of freedom deep within me. I came to realize that I can finally breathe now. I don’t have to worry about something bad happening because it already did. The worst is over. At the same time, it’s like I’m just waking up from a five year dream and reality is saying, “Look at the shit you don’t have. The fire is gone and you will never have anything as wonderful as you foolishly conjured up in that imaginative head of yours. You endured it all for nothing.” It’s going to take me a while to figure out what all of this means and how to even begin to learn to trust again, if ever.
I think the best thing that is going to come out of this is how I learned about myself and how much I can handle. My threshold for pain has heightened, though, let’s be honest, I never want to experience anything like this ever again. I learned that I would walk through fire for something I love and that I am capable of living selflessly – wholeheartedly willing and able to give my all to something worth fighting for.
I am a better person now than I was going into this five years ago. The noise may have settled, but my heart is still mending; a piece of that dream still lingering, showing me that I am still alive, that it happened; just not the way I wanted it to.
One thing is for sure: I can’t wait to find out who I am without this. I can begin to live my life without fear of the worst because I boldly lived through it. I may have lost both the battle and the war, but I gained so much more. So I guess I did win in some odd way; and maybe, just maybe, I will finally learn to trust in what He really has in store for me.
Maybe one day, Sleeping Beauty will wake up and believe in fairy tales again. She’ll look in the mirror and like what she sees and everything this world can be. But not today.
The spell may have been broken, but she’d rather stay in slumber. At least for a little while longer.
“Hallelujah that it’s over.
What went through ya broke the spell.
But until it makes you stronger,
what don’t kill you hurts like hell.”