For a while there, I was infected with the dreamer’s disease.
Though anxiety always plagued me in the back of my mind, I was blissfully ignorant of reality. I assumed everything would work out in my favor; that the uneasiness would subside once timing came into play. I was so deluded, and honestly, I miss it.
I miss how I felt about God. I miss feeling thankful and blessed. I miss not knowing the feeling of having everything I thought was mine stripped away.
I miss waking up with expectancy. I miss looking up at the sky and feeling a connection with a higher power. I miss feeling safe.
I haven’t slept properly in a month. A hollowness has taken over my entire body. Moving feels like a chore.
I miss feeling like a winner. I miss thinking about how lucky I thought I was. But the reality is, I have nothing. I am back at square one.
The dreamer’s disease made my world brighter for a while, but needless to say, it was all an illusion. I guess the song was right – I built up a world of magic because my real life is tragic.
Now the hard part is if I can find happiness again in such a cruel, dark world in which I don’t belong. How can I recreate what I had into reality?
Avoid the dreamer’s disease. Once its cured, its hard to move past it. It’s hard to believe you’ll survive when every minute stifles you.
The magic is gone but I intend on getting it back.
“If it’s not real
You can’t hold it in your hand
You can’t feel it with your heart
And I won’t believe it
But if it’s true
You can see it with your eyes
Even in the dark
And that’s where I want to be.”