Still Alive

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One month today.

I’ve been thinking about the things I’ve endured in my life that were absolutely unnecessary and avoidable. I put myself through hell within these past 5 years only to be left with nothing; a promise still unfulfilled and a heart full of pain (and a sober head full of confusion.) But what if I had never walked through the fire? Isn’t it better to have taken these risks than to be wondering, “what if?”

I’ll still always wonder, “What if?” What if it actually happened? What if I took more chances? What if I opened my damn mouth? I’ve been so mad at God (more myself, though) wondering why He’d put me through this if He knew it would end with every fear I’ve ever had come to life. But maybe He had to hold my hand through it in order to let me see how wrong it was. I hear He eliminates something you never thought you could handle losing for something you never imagined you could have.

The truth of the matter is, it doesn’t matter. Not anymore. Just saying that and writing it down breaks my heart. I never imagined I’d ever feel so over this and all of its anxiety. But I’m just glad it’s over. Glad I get to see the true colors of the situation. I just miss the magic in my heart.

It’s always going to hurt, but that’s how you know you’re alive.

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