Clean Of This

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It’s quite an eye opener to realize everything you thought was true suddenly isn’t. It’s kind of like how you see those crazed shooters or terrorists on TV, claiming that God or whatever higher power they believe in told them to do such horrible, unjust things to other humans. The God I believed in (and want to find my way back to) never would have condoned such atrocities…or so I thought. What makes us, as humans, think we know what He wants? This will forever be a mystery to me.

Once we think we have it figured out, things change and we are forced to walk through an unforeseeable challenge that has the potential to either drown us or set us free.

The person you thought was your soul mate is not. In fact, he had the potential to rip your soul to shreds.

The job you thought was perfect turned out to be your worst nightmare.

The friend you thought always had your back betrayed you.

The person you thought always had it together was dying inside.

What you thought you couldn’t live without is everything you needed to let go of.

So now what? What comes next? How do we move on after being thrown across the river? How do we believe in God again and trust ourselves to know what He wants from us? How do we decipher His voice from our own?

How could we be SO WRONG about something that felt so right?

I yearn to be clean of this but it’s still so much a part of me that it’s hard to ever imagine it not being at the forefront of everything I do.

I want to say that maybe the past five years prepared me for what’s to come. So I’d know what to expect; how to proceed; who to trust.

But no matter how “clean” I am, it doesn’t mean I won’t miss it; the magic, that is.

Until it returns in a new form.

Maybe.

Possibly.

Hopefully.


“Hung my head as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe.”

NOTE: Being that Taylor Swift seems to think we’re all as rich as her, her song “Clean,” so fitting for this post, will not be used because of her decision to pull her music from all streaming services and most of YouTube. When I own a house in four cities, I’ll be sure to post my words around all four for free and not give a damn. 😉

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