The Weight of This


“What will I become,
when I no longer carry
the weight of all this?”

While I was in the midst of everything, I often thought of who I would be without it. Would it shape me into a different person? Would it ruin me? Would I view myself as this insane person without a clue on what love should be? I had so many questions running rampant throughout my mind day in and day out and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t keep me up most nights. I think I grew accustomed to the taste of my tears. They reminded me that I was alive. I was feeling everything so deeply and all at once that it was hard to imagine it not being real; but it was real. It just wasn’t meant to be. The fact that I can say that out load and write those words here means that I’m going to be okay yet I’m still flabbergasted that it’s come to this. He’s someone I never wanted to close the book on yet here I am not even wanting to meet up on another page. The story is over and I’m the only one who lived through it.
In the moment, it felt right. I’d look up at the stars and I thought I knew what I was meant to find. I can confidently say that while he wasn’t where the path was leading me to, I was still going the right way. It may have felt right, but in hindsight, it was a weight. Who am I going to become in the aftermath of losing the one thing I thought I could never lose but never really had? Only time will tell. I just wish I had a hand to hold in the process.


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