I literally just sat here staring at a blank screen for at least 10 minutes trying to figure out WTF I can say about 2015 that isn’t too brash. But then I figured that if I don’t let this out now, I probably never will. If you’ve been following along throughout the year, you probably can guess that this year beat the hell out of me and then some. It was the year that everything changed…in both good ways and bad. Tragic, even…but I’m hoping I’ll feel differently about that in the months to come.
2015 was the year I lost everything I’ve ever wanted but never actually had but gained the things I never imagined I’d have. It was the year I stopped dreaming about having my own music site and actually started one. It was the year I was finally told that my effort was highly appreciated, leading to a freelance position for the place that started it all. Remember all of those posts about me complaining about how undervalued I felt? How I never thought I’d actually find a job doing something I love? How just a year ago, I was thinking of giving up on writing altogether? Miraculously, that all changed. Maybe God doesn’t hate me after all. Whatever it was, I can proudly say that I did it all on my own and there’s still a lot more to do.
But no matter how great I feel about actually starting my career, there’s one thing that’s missing; the one thing that, women especially, always get scolded for.
Love. As Lady Gaga once said, “Your career will never wake up one day and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore.” Though I agree with her to some extent, I’m pretty sure she said that way before she met her fiancé, Taylor Kinney. After everything blew up in my face six months ago and left me lying in a pile of shit, I kept going back to how I have been treated by men overall, including my own father. The word “excuses” has become synonymous with men. Though I’ve had very little experience due to the lack of kind, real gentlemen in this world, I can’t help but wonder why I’m always treated like shit when I obviously do not think of myself that way.
From the one I thought for sure would find his way to me to the one that made me rethink everything over the summer to the one who came back right before his pathetic “wedding,” all I can think of is, “What the FUCK did I ever do to deserve this?” I’m tired of it. I’m tired of feeling like a piece of shit after realizing that God wasn’t on my side after all and the only thing that was able to wake me up was seeing him propose to someone else – who shares my friggin birthday, by the way. Cruel as fuck if you ask me! I’m sick of wondering when I’ll ever get a reply from someone who, after having my heart brutally stabbed to death, I managed to find a way to open up to (twice!) because I thought he’d be the one who finally understood. Now I’m wondering what on earth I could have possibly done to warrant this never-ending silence. I’m tired of having to compete with obnoxious brats who all look, talk and act alike. I’m sick of finding out someone I once loved now gives a shit about me after years of blaming me for his drug use. I’m sick of feeling like I’m not worth loving because that is the only thing I have ever known.
I’ve quoted Leitbur’s “Heartsink” last year and I’ll quote it again – “I never thought I’d wash this year away.” It’s even more true now than it ever was. That void is still there but this year, it’s deeper than it’s ever been. What hurts the most, however, is how wrong I was about God. Not losing someone I thought would be mine. Just how wrong I was. How stupid and deluded I was. It’s going to be a while before I ever start to trust in anything or anyone again.
Needless to say, 2015 and everything that came with it, can go fuck itself. If anyone needs me, I’ll be working my ass off in 2016…soberly confused, of course. 😉
Thank you to everyone who supported me this year. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. Thank you to anyone who has ever made me feel like a living, human being. That doesn’t happen too often and your kindness is well appreciated.
On to the next one…
“I don’t want to build a time machine. I just want to fill this void I feel.”