I woke up today with you on my mind.
I thought about how life is so fleeting yet these painful moments take forever to leave our thoughts.
I remembered that morning when your dream jolted me awake, leaving me in a five-year trance-like state.
I thought about how you’re 30 now and your five-year plan worked out exactly as you wished.
I remember when you made it and hoped I’d be a part of it.
But most of all, I woke up agonizing over the fact that you’re 30 and I’m still not the one you love.
On a day like today, I’d make you breakfast knowing all too well that I’d fuck it up and you’d take over.
On a day like today, I’d hand you a gift I didn’t burn on that harrowing day last June.
You’d open it up and read everything I saved just for you in the event you’d actually come to me.
On a day like today, you’d never be devoid of love.
On a day like today and every day, you’d always know where you were meant to be.
So while I can’t give you what she may give – extravagance, expensive parties –
Nor will I ever be the kind of girl you’d get on bended knee for,
Just know that through all the others,
You’ve loved me, too
And it’s because of this – knowing this – that I’m able to paint such pretty pictures without you.
So what I guess I’m trying to say is that I’m trying my best to move on.
I want to live in a world where you and I aren’t a possibility anymore.
But the scary part is I think I’ve been living in that world the entire time.
I just didn’t realize it.
So what I really want to say is Happy Birthday.
The sweetest ones are always born in May.
*I wrote THIS exactly one year ago. God has a lot of explaining to do. </3