It has been a year since I last wrote to you. One year since you announced your engagement. One year since I felt my world, my hope, the future I thought was mine shatter. I remember it all so clearly. It feels like it was just yesterday. I remember finding out and feeling as if I was going to faint as the skies in New York City opened up and poured all of its misery down on me right that second. I remember not believing it. I remember trying to process it all while every fiber of my being remained stunned; scared of feeling too much in case of a breakdown. I didn’t want to feel a thing. What I didn’t realize was that it was all escaping me over the past year, leaving my body so carefully so as not to kill me all at once. That night left me in a miserable mess as the pain I felt as I fell to my knees in protest, mad as hell at God for dangling it all in my face for so long then taking it away broke the only pure aspect of my heart – something I’m afraid I’ll never get back. I still don’t understand but I’m choosing to blame it all on my blind optimism and stupidity. How could I have been so starry-eyed and stupid?!
I prayed it would all go away; that you wouldn’t marry her. What are you waiting for? It was then that I learned that He wasn’t listening. He never has and He never will. It was all a dream and I was too stupid to realize that. I’m pretty sure that was my last prayer. I didn’t know that by praying to keep you safe and healthy, I was ultimately praying to keep you away from me. This was so much more than losing love. It went deeper than that – deeper than imagining what it would be like to finally be yours. It was my shelter. My journey to myself and to what I thought God wanted for me. A lot of people can’t understand that and lately, neither do I anymore. I don’t trust in my faith anymore. The voice I heard clearly wasn’t Him at all and now I don’t know what to believe.
It’s beginning to feel like I’m constantly mourning the loss of something. I don’t believe in anything anymore and looking up at the stars has never been so painful. I want all of that to fade and I want to believe in magic again but not with you as my main wish anymore.
I need closure from this. This is your last remaining letter as all of the notebooks have been torn and burned. I couldn’t bear to have all of my pent up wishes lying around my room, taunting me with every glance. The past six years were all a waste. A life without the hope or possibility of an ‘us’ has been miserable yet as time goes on, I don’t feel the same about you as I so lovingly did. I’ve had dreams where you’ve died and from then on, the pain has lessened yet it still stabs every now and then. There’s just a hole in my heart where you used to be and no matter who I have eyes for, their piece just never fits the puzzle that is my heart. Truth is, they never stick around long enough or put in any effort to find out. I had to force you out of my system. I had to force myself to stop loving you because I honestly had no other choice.
Maybe you were only meant to teach me something. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you but with eyes as blue as yours, who wouldn’t want to fall safely into your arms and be rescued from the harshness of this world? I want to remember you as you were in my dreams but I can’t allow that without falling into the trap all over again. I have to keep telling myself I’m too normal for you. I’m not photogenic or the ideal weight nor do I have the perfect smile you’ve always dreamed of in a woman. I have to remind myself that not introducing myself when I had the chance (and boy were there plenty of them) saved me from a lifetime of embarrassment. This is how I have to think of you now and it isn’t right.
The more I look at her, the more I realize you never would have loved me the way I needed or imagined you to. I could never be enough for you and just the thought of being another disappointment to another man hurts more than I’d like to admit. I’m not fit for extravagance and you were made to shine. I feel like I need to run. To where? I’m not sure, as everywhere I turn, I’m still stuck with myself and my disappointing qualities. I wish it weren’t so but this is all I’ve been shown. I may not have been what you wanted, but the love I had saved up for you could have moved even the most stubborn obstacles and it kills me that we’ll never know. With you, all of my biggest fears came true but the biggest was having you become another, “what if?” This was the strangest situation I have ever been in and it’s impossible to say that it wasn’t love because you don’t waste five years of your life chasing a ghost in the name of love if you don’t wholeheartedly love that person. But now I know I was right from the beginning; that this was a dangerous road that would only lead to unnecessary heartbreak…and I have nothing to show for it but tear-stained pillows and this never-ending emptiness eating away at my soul.
So maybe it’s the writer in me to build up a wonderland of a life I wanted with you in it. Maybe I’m capable of bringing such powerful stories to paper but I’d give all of that up in a heartbeat if it meant I could bring any of it to life.
I’m learning that I can’t lose what I never had, despite how hard I held on to it. You were never mine but I felt you so deeply in my veins that it felt like you have always been a part of me. You came to me at such a crucial time; at a time when I needed saving. I was drowning and I felt like God woke me up that morning in late July 2010 to show me what I was meant for – that there was more than the misery I was living with someone who was never going to love me right. I still can’t shake that blissful feeling of waking up a changed person. I feel like I’m constantly trying to chase that feeling again. I want it back. Everything started to make sense. It all measured up. The signs. The songs. The way I’d feel when you were right in front of me. I never felt so much for a human being in my life. Why is it that it’s always the ones we feel the most for that we cannot have?
Why did it play out so cruelly? Why did you have to go fall in love with a woman who shares my birthday? How is it possible that all of it played out this way? Why do I feel like it was all a cruel joke made to taint my view on love, God and all things good in this world? Why do I feel as if you’ve loved me through your last few relationships yet everyone but me got to have you?
All of the zillions of questions that have run through my mind all year won’t ever get answered and I’m learning how to be content with that. I’m learning to let go of you and the hope of serendipity for myself one day. Though I don’t feel you anymore, I can’t get the pain of what it felt like to lose you out of my body. You may not have loved me, but you taught me how to love with a fierceness I’m not sure I’m worthy of harboring. It is wasted on me now as I’m shown again and again that
I’m not worthy of love. It’s all bottled up now; kept up on a shelf, rotting as the years go by.
It is one year later and I must come back down to reality. I must move on from every disappointment; to not let the emptiness eat me alive every night. But I got this. If I’ve learned anything throughout this, it’s that I’m well-equipped to handle a life alone.
So while you still have no idea about any of this, (and believe me, you’re probably better off not knowing) I want you to be happy. I want her to wake up to your smile and your flowers and your breakfasts. Maybe she needs you more than I do. Maybe her money and her so-called fame isn’t enough to keep her alive. I’ll be there in spirit even as I’m washed clean of you…at least I hope that’s how this will all go. I often wonder if she would have held on for you as long as I did. Ask her. If she says yes, I have no business ever loving you.
I don’t regret following this as it taught me things about myself I never knew I was capable of. Maybe that was your intention all along. You were always sort of sly like that. I kept waiting for a surprise chapter but now I realize that notion is hopeless and only keeping me from moving on. There’s no choice but to close the book this time.
So maybe we’ll find our happy ending in a book of my own one day or maybe this letter will make it’s way to you in some strange way. Just know that there’s always somebody who loves you deeper than any ocean or magical love story combined. You might not be the Frank to my Mildred anymore but you’ll always be a part of me.
Just please stop haunting me.
“I filled you with a wonderland born of my imagination
Staring up the road
Sick of the darkness and the cold
The chains are wearing thin
Oh, I’m fighting for us both
I built this wonderland
Drenched in the colors of your skin
And go, I can
Cause my demons tied me down
But silk chains are broken now
I know it seems so obvious that I should put an end to this”