*Found this lying around somewhere. Wrote it about a year ago but never shared until now. Enjoy. 🙂
More often than not, the things we do not say out loud have the tendency to overwhelm us.
But whether we say them or not depends on the outcome we envision during the aftermath, playing a vital role in the choices we make.
Would it be weird if I said that I miss the idea of you?
Would it be out of line to say that I hate who you’ve become with her?
I miss the rush I used to get whenever I knew you were in town.
I used to believe that if I believed enough, you’d feel me here, too; that one look through the crowd would connect you to me and all would be right in the world.
I miss my optimism.
I miss how connected I felt to someone who barely knew my name.
That sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?
That this was all I’ve known and that closeness between two people was up to fate instead of us alone.
I painted such pretty pictures of you that the ones I’ve come to view as current reality just seem so off.
These pictures usually involved the both of us, me a lot prettier, thinner, and livelier; better teeth and better skin, not revolted by my own speaking voice.
Maybe the pictures I painted were more of a fantasy life of how I wanted others, especially you, to portray me.
Maybe I never knew you at all. Maybe the person who listened so intently to my fears in my dream that night was just a comforter for all the things I’ll never have; one night of shelter from the storm in my mind, from being told I’m wrong and that my life is a lie.
The pictures we paint can either hurt us or help us to move forward.
I ran so fiercely in your direction, focusing on the signs ahead that I forgot to look at the side of the road; that one tiny warning sign that said to slow down…Heartbreak ahead.
Lesson learned and now I pay the price.
“I don’t want them to know the secrets
I don’t want them to know the way I loved you
I don’t think they’d understand it, no
I don’t think they would accept me, no
I loved and I loved and I lost you
And it hurts like hell”