I know it’s been a while since I’ve updated this thing but something unexpected has happened to me and I’m still in a state of shock to be quite honest. I just spent a good hour going through all of my old posts and I’m finding it hard to believe that I am about to tell you all how in love I am right now. I know, it comes as a shock to me too – especially after all of the pain I’ve been through – but it’s happening and it’s actually for real this time. Finally.
A year ago, I never would have thought any of this would be happening. I thought finding real love was just a fairy tale or for the lucky ones. I’ve never considered myself to be lucky and after the year that I had last year, I pretty much succumbed to the fact that happiness was not something the universe had in store for me. I was accustomed to being alone – not always in a bad way. I am an introvert after all. But something was missing and as much as I tried to keep pushing my pain & loneliness under the rug, it kept showing it’s ugly face. Little did I know, the person I’ve always needed was right in front of me all along.
I’ve known Matthew since high school. He asked me out senior year but I rejected him, thinking his friends put him up to it. I wasn’t too trusting back then. Fast forward to two years ago as he and I started talking again. We flirted a lot, hung out once (our first time seeing each other since high school) but something felt off. I rejected him yet again. It hurt to let him down again but I felt it was for the best. My head wasn’t in the right place. I thought he’d move on and forget about me…but he was always there for me, waiting patiently in the background, and the moment I realized that, my heart was stolen.
Cut to this summer. I was depressed and at my lowest point ever. I found myself thinking about him a lot and oddly enough, he was there for me when I needed a friend to vent to. He listened and tried to make me feel better. The past 6 years were swirling around in my head as everything I thought I lost cut me deeper than I’ve ever felt in my life. He kept trying to get me out of my slump and little by little, it worked. He asked me out again in August – third time’s a charm – and I happily said yes.
We’ve been dating ever since but we just recently made things official a couple of weeks ago. It’s so strange being in a relationship again, especially after how my last one ended. It’s weird hearing how special I am. He tells me I’m perfect, beautiful, amazing, sexy, adorable and all the things I never thought I’d ever hear from a man. He listens to me. He shows me things about myself that I didn’t think anyone noticed. While most people drain me, I can spend the entire day with him and I can’t seem to get enough. We fit. Nothing’s awkward and I’ve never been able to open up to anyone like I can with him. What is this? It’s so easy. Is this how it’s supposed to feel? Who knew!
It all feels like a dream. Since the day we kissed, I’ve been trying to wrap my head around it all. I feel like all of this isn’t real and the floor is about to drop out from under me; like all of this could disappear in the blink of an eye. I’m so used to falling in love with illusions and things that I’m not allowed to keep. This guy is too good to be true. I want to keep him forever yet I feel like I don’t deserve any of this. I can’t shake that feeling and it scares me.
I never thought I’d receive everything I’ve ever prayed for. I never knew how it felt to be loved for who I am. I never imagined I’d find someone who loves all of the things that I consider to be flaws. I never experienced a man putting in effort to pursue me, even after he succeeded in winning me over. I never knew the bliss of not having to worry about any pressure whatsoever. Someone shitty once told me, “You’re not perfect, but you’ll do.” Now I’m hearing, “You’re perfect. All I want is you.” I think I’ve won the lottery…this time with the right Matty.
It hasn’t fully hit me yet that I’m in a loving relationship with someone who is just as crazy about me as I am for him. All I’ve known of relationships hasn’t been healthy. From the shitshow of my parents to my last relationship of being emotionally and verbally abused for 4 years as I slowly withered into a shell of a person because I refused to be molded into what he thought I should be, it’s nice to be able to be nothing but myself with another human being who appreciates my existence.
It’s been a while since I have appreciated my own existence. That in itself is a blessing.
“When things are good
I don’t believe that they’re for real
I really wish I could just tell myself I gotta feel
Feel something else instead
Cause lately life is like a dream
It’s messing with my head
I must be dead
So, suddenly it’s all picture perfect
Life is so good and I don’t deserve it”